So, after months of being on WordPress, I’ve taken up Randall Fitzgerald’s offer of free hosting on ikimashou.net. What does this mean for you, the reader? Well, the original WordPress blog will stay where it is, and I’ll still reply to any comments that appear on there, but from now on all new content will be posted on http://azureflame.ikimashou.net, so please update all links and bookmarks. As I’m sure you’ll notice, the sidebar on the new blog isn’t ready yet, but I’ll be tinkering with it soon, and for now the Episode Guides section is down since WordPress imported what were meant to be sub-pages as posts. So just be patient, and everything will be back to normal soon, with a new theme, new banner and the long-awaited poll function, among other things.

In case anyone is wondering, my non-anime blog, the creatively entitled Azure Flame B-Side, will be continuing on WordPress as normal.

“It’s about time he gave me some BI to make up for yesterday!”

“Sorry, I’ve already booked Oreld for today.”

“It’s been almost twenty-four hours since we last had BI- I’m starting get withdrawal symptoms.”

“In fact, we should just do it here and now- I guarantee that having Pleasure out in the open enhances the experience.”

“I’ve been having BI here ever since I was just a boy.”

“Hey, maybe a touch of wine would help you relax and get in the mood.”

“Hang on a sec, my zipper seems to be stuck.”

“Why do have this fascination with having BI with me?”

“I could see that STRAIGHT was making you miserable, and I wanted you to see that Pleasure can be enjoyable too.”

“Just forget your tragic back story and join my harem!”

“I can’t just forget it when it’s an integral part of my character development!”

“My boyfriend will return, and we’ll have STRAIGHT together!”

“I should have known you were just using me for quick BI! That’s all I am to you, isn’t it?”

“Damn, that evil goatee guy is back.”

“Hey buddy, how about you leave her alone and have HARD GAY with me instead?”

“Oreld, you know this is a STRAIGHT or BI establishment only!”

“You must be that guy who’s always having BI, right?”

“Don’t worry, Hannah, I won’t let him taint you with BI.”

An enraged Oreld starts having violent HARD GAY with Mr Goatee.

“What hideous HARD GAY!”

“If you’re so desperate for HARD GAY, why don’t you let us service you?”

“Those burly men give really painful HARD GAY.”

“Where did you find guys like that?”

“Unfortunately, there are more than a few people who try to relieve their pent up frustrations with HARD GAY.”

“I keep them on hand to put such people off of HARD GAY for a while.”

“I just wanted to make Hannah happy by giving her some good Pleasure.”

“You may be a named character, but do you really think that makes you good enough to cure everyone’s misery with your Pleasure?”

“Trust me, boy, you can’t do it.”

“No one person has the skill or stamina to Pleasure everyone successfully.”

“Hannah wants STRAIGHT with her boyfriend, and not even the best BI in the world can compare in her mind.”

“What a shame he’s only good for CORPSE.”

“Naturally, she still believes that people with tragic back stories are somehow qualified for happy endings.”

“So even while she was waiting for him, he died in the throes of HARD GAY?”

“Exactly- cruel world, isn’t it?”

“Just leave her alone from now on, and stop encouraging her hopes with screen time.”

“Hey, Randel, mind if I stop by for some quick exposition?”

“I can’t understand any woman so hung up on STRAIGHT with one particular guy that she’d rather have CORPSE with him than BI with me.”

“Even so, I feel like this is a challenge I can’t back away from.”

“Well, you know, the episode isn’t over yet, so who knows what will happen next?”

“I used to think that CORPSE was all that was left for me too- after all, I have a tendency to kill my lovers.”

“But now, I think I’ve finally come to realise that I can have Pleasure with the living too.”

“Section III is full of named characters who can withstand the intensity of my Pleasure.”

“If there’s still hope, I should look in this book for new techniques that might win her over.”

“Time for Round Two of Operation Seduce Hannah.”

“No matter how many times you ask me for BI, I can’t keep betraying my boyfriend!”

“Stop clinging onto a CORPSE! You need to move on!”

“And surely you realise he joined the army because he wanted HARD GAY?”

“He liked other men, so it’s okay for you to do the same.”

“His company chose to have HARD GAY in the trenches.”

“It was an exhausting group session that killed half of them.”

“Even so, their HARD GAY was too important to give up.”

“The situation was grim, and their Liangs became limp and useless.”

“Most of them were completely incapacitated.”

“In the end, they chose to go out in one final burst of Pleasure.”

“Now that I realise my boyfriend died in the throes of HARD GAY, I can magically get over my heartbreak and move on.”

“She was just a one shot character! What would I get upset about?”

“I just wanted to teach her about BI.”

“Didn’t you have feelings for her?”

“Eh, she was just another conquest to increase the numbers, you know?”

“Okay, everyone, it’s time for today’s BI!”

(“No one must know of my embarrassing failure to add her to my regular harem.”)

Living away from home, a young girl is all but ready to throw away the mementoes of growing up…until a mysterious yet familiar young boy appears to show her that one doesn’t always need to put away childish things. The daughter of a yakuza family is set to marry the head of an opposing clan, but she knows she isn’t yet ready to say goodbye to the boy she likes. A half-witch named Shalala dreams of becoming as powerful as her peers by gaining the teardrops of a human boy, but will her chosen man ever cry. And in a future where advanced robots can pass as humans, a mysterious old woman chooses to spend what may be her final days with two of her creations. In each of these four one-shot stories, a unique relationship is showcased, but will the protagonists realise just what is important to them?

A collection of one shot stories by Yumeka Sumomo, Natsukashi Machi no Rozione takes a break from the mangaka’s usual predilection for yaoi and shounen-ai to focus on a more varied range of relationships, from the platonic to the romantic. It’s thanks to these different dynamics, and the imaginative range of settings they are placed in, that Rozione manages to avoid the usual fate of one shot chapters- that of reading what is effectively the same story over and over. Instead, each story is interesting and refreshingly unique, but sadly, it is also far from perfect. It may simply be due to the quality of translation, but there are often points where the stories feel rushed and unclear, leaving the reader to fill in the gaps and figure out what happened. The second story is the least affected by this, and together with the first tale makes for the most self-contained and coherent instalments, but the last two chapters feel more like fragments from what could and perhaps should have been a more in depth exploration of their respective worlds.

When it comes to the artwork, however, there are no such qualms. The character designs are absorbingly beautiful, with a light and almost feathery feel that ensures that the eye would be drawn to the page even the story made no sense whatsoever. Backgrounds are often nonexistent, but are solid where they appear, and complement the characters well without overshadowing them.

Final Thoughts
For something I randomly chose to investigate, Natsukashi Machi no Rozione turned out to be reasonably enjoyable, but where the artwork was beautiful and the basic settings were interesting, flaws in the execution ensured that it just did not come together as well as it could have. It’s worthy enough as a quick read, but there are plenty of better series out there that you should investigate first.

When Oreld decides to have BI with a new woman, he is surprised to find that she doesn’t seem turned on by his Pleasure. Can he show her the marvels of BI, or is she too hung up on STRAIGHT with her absent boyfriend?

Oreld contemplates his lover of the previous night.

“He actually thought I was giving him Sword, when really it was only Dagger.”

“Ah, who could this hooded unknown be- my next conquest, perhaps?”

“A woman? Time to switch to BI mode.”

Add just one more kanji and the episode becomes 朝霧の巫女, which we know in English as Shrine of the Morning Mist.

In order to prevent strain on the field members of Section III, each person is only allowed BI once.

“BI is his specialty, and with so many people queued up, we could use his help servicing them.”

“Sorry, I thought that if I worked over here I could exclusively service all the most attractive clients and leave the ugliest generics to the rest of you.”

“I’ve had enough HARD GAY lately, so it’s women only for me today, I’m afraid.”

“I’m only allowed to give you BI once today, but feel to come to my house later for an extra session!”

“Hey, could it be that Morning Mist woman again?”

“Damn, just a deliberately misleading generic; who would have thought more than one person wore a hooded cloak in this town?”

“Now to take my mind off it by having BI with the next person in line…here, madam, if you wouldn’t mind holding my Liang…”

“What the hell is this!? I said attractive women only!”

“Oreld, I thought I made it clear that BI sessions are only to last two hours, or the girls will be too tired to give me HARD YURI!”

As well as BI, ‘sausage’ can be bought in this establishment.

No one should leave without trying the ‘sausage’.

“It’s that woman again! Could this be the working of the plot?”

“By the power of this magic lamp, skip forward to the next evening!”

“That guy has a moustache and goatee- he must be evil!”

“And yet all I can do is watch him whilst I audition for a role in Bartender.”

“What can I say- I have a healthy appetite for Pleasure.”

“What a shame the usual girls aren’t around to give you BI, then.”

“I’m happy to take you as a partner- what do you say to that?”

“You’re a hundred years too early to sleep with me, my boy!”

“Now, let’s talk about the Girl of the Week, Hannah, who has been giving BI since she was seventeen.”

“She has a typically tragic backstory.”

“BI is very stressful on the body at that age.”

“Oh, but there’s more to her tragic backstory.”

“Sorry, I’m not very up on current events- what war are we talking about here?”

“Poor boy, seduced by the HARD GAY of the army.”

“Oreld, you’re being asked for BI.”

“BI? Why didn’t you say so sooner?”

“Oh, you meant BI with Alice- how boring.”

“I’m your superior officer! When I ask for BI, you’re supposed to hop to it!”

Once again, the lamp swiftly moves events forward to the evening.

“Since I never heard back about that role in Bartender, now I’m working as a food critic.”

“Anyway, it’s amazing what you learn as a food critic- for example, had you ever heard of cutlery before?”

“You know, I can’t help feeling this BI wasn’t entirely successful.”

“Trust me, I’m just happy for the screen time.”

Oreld catches Randel having CAT- his secret shame.

“You didn’t see me having CAT, did you?”

“Oh, in that case, welcome to my humble abode.”

“How about some dinner? I have all flavours of cat food.”

Here’s some gratuitous catservice.

“You know, I thought I was having a bad episode, but compared to a man who has to resort to CAT, I guess I’m pretty well off.”

“And that’s saying something when my last encounter felt just like CORPSE.”

“Poor guy, CAT is a lot better than CORPSE.”

“Oreld’s been having CORPSE! I never thought that he of all people would be that desperate.”

“I can’t believe he kept this from us.”

“Instead of confronting him about this, let’s just stand behind him and whisper loudly.”

“I need to pay for Pleasure.”

“We must follow him and find out if he is really having CORPSE.”

“Well, he seems to be going into a BI establishment after all.”

“And he’s found a living partner.”

“Was the BI better this time?”

“Let’s have another session!”

Oreld tries to get Hannah to enjoy the BI experience more by including a motorcycle.

“It wasn’t CORPSE after all! He was just trying to teach BI to a prostitute who usually gives STRAIGHT!”

As a newbie anime fan, one of the earliest series I ever watched was Ceres, Celestial Legend. Fuelled by a desire to expand my experience with Yuu Watase beyond Fushigi Yuugi, I watched all 24 episodes of the anime in the course of about three evenings, and at the time, it seemed a worthy endeavour. Thus it was that in more recent times, I decided to revisit the series by way of the original manga and a rewatching of the anime- and it was only then that I could see how bad the animated version actually is.

Before I get into the anime, however, I should admit that when it comes to the manga, at least, Ceres is actually quite an enjoyable series. A mix of romance and horror, Ceres tells the story of Aya Mikage, a girl who learns on her sixteenth birthday that she is possessed by the reincarnation of her ancestor, a celestial maiden named Ceres. From then on, Aya’s life is turned upside down as her own family turns against her, separating her from twin brother Aki and placing her at the centre of an endgame involving science, magic and a generations-old desire for vengeance.

Of course, it would be foolish not to admit that Ceres has the same shoujo trappings that appear in any Yuu Watase title- there’s the plucky and determined lead who won’t let anything stop her, the Nice Guy bishounen who falls in love with the lead even though he’ll always be second husband and the Mysterious Sexy Bishounen who forms the main love interest of the series. Even so, the series is different enough from the usual fare to be worth a look, weaving in as it does darker elements about incest, rape and everything that forms the ‘flip side’ of the usually bright and cheery shoujo world. It may not be perfect, but between its interestingly different story and beautiful artwork, Ceres is at least a solid series in manga form, and one that is worth looking into. The anime, unfortunately, is a different story.

Where the manga ran for fourteen volumes, the anime somehow compresses the entire story into a mere twenty-four episodes, and as you might imagine, there are lot of sacrifices made along the way. Entire arcs and characters have been chopped out, whilst the remaining content has been compressed to such an extent that the story is too fast paced for its own good. Without the time for proper development or explanation, events happen for what often seems like no reason, with jarring shifts such as the leads suddenly being deeply in love despite have only briefly met. Matters only become worse towards the end, where a lack of clear explanation and some changes from the manga version lead to what is essentially a series of confusingly inconsistent explanations as to what is going on.

The worst example of this centres on a character named Shuro; in the manga, she is an important character who appears as a fellow celestial maiden and eventual friend from volume six onwards, however in the anime, her role is cut to but a single episode towards the end of the series. If this was to be case, then arguably she shouldn’t have been in the anime at all, but as her abilities also play a key plot role in initiating the final boss confrontation, it was deemed necessary that she appear. Even discounting how strange it is to place a standalone episode at a point in the series when the main plot is fully rolling, Shuro’s one shot appearance in the anime is utterly jarring- those who have read the manga can at least appreciate the cameo, but those who have no idea who she is must surely wonder why there is such a focus on this randomly introduced character, let alone how the writers could possibly expect anyone to care about her hastily explained back story and motivations.

So, then, can anyone expect to enjoy such a poorly paced anime? Well, obvious Watase fans will no doubt jump at the chance to see it, and anime newcomers such as I was when I first watched it will probably not be overly critical of its flaws. Other than that, however, it remains more of a curiosity for fans of the manga who want to see some of their favourite scenes in animated form; since whilst the anime complements the ‘real story’, it cannot possibly hope to stand on its own.

Final Thoughts
As a manga, Ceres quite possible ranks as Watase’s best series, and it is certainly something worth recommending, but unfortunately, the anime is nowhere near in the same league. By all means try it if you wish, but always be aware that the rushed storyline and shallow characterisation marks it as only a pale reflection of the original work.

Zhou Yu assembles the other Wu generals.

Zhou Yu: Thanks to my lax security, er, I mean my incompetent underlings, our enemy was able to have Arrow with our lord Sun Quan. This must never happen again.

Meanwhile, Ling Tong tries to have FISH, but is unsuccessful.

Lu Xun: Are your hands all right, Ling Tong? Don’t tire them out having FISH when I need you to pleasure me later.

Ling Tong: Hah! Even if I Pleasured the entire enemy forces, I would still have the energy for you.

In order to prove his point, Ling Tong tries to have ROCK, but only ends up hurting himself. Ling Cao arrives.

Ling Cao: You seem to have missed the point, son; it’s not about having Pleasure with as many different things as possible, but rather refining your technique. Your enemy will deliver intense HARD GAY, and only the strong and talented can hope to withstand it.

Ling Tong: Why do you still treat me like a kid who’s only able to have HARD GAY with his father? I’m not a child- I’m ready for more partners now!

Having claimed not to be a child, Ling Tong childishly throws away his wooden sword and stomps away. Later, Lu Xun comes over to him.

Lu Xun: You know, Ling Tong, you’re already having HARD GAY with the main character, so you can’t say you’re useless.

Ling Tong: Thanks, aniki, I now immediately feel better!

Lu Xun: You have your father to thank as well- he was the one who first taught you HARD GAY, after all.

Ling Tong: Hmmph, if you ask me he’s fed up with having HARD GAY with me- he’s even forgotten his promise to teach me his ultimate techniques.

Lu Xun: I think someone’s got a crush on their daddy!

Ling Tong: No, I haven’t! I, er, I just want him to recognise my Liang.

Elsewhere, Zhao Yun watches over Liu Bei, who for some reason is a young child in this anime.

Liu Bei: Excuse me, can you explain why I look like a junior high school girl in this series?

Liu Bei looks outside and sees Zhuge Liang washing his hair with Head and Shoulders.

Liu Bei: Such lustrous, silky and shining locks! I must find out what shampoo he uses!

There is a close up on Zhuge’s red lips.

Liu Bei: And that lipstick too! Could he be a model for a cosmetics company?

As Liu Bei falls out of his carriage, Zhuge vanishes, leaving behind some Boots vouchers.

At the Wu borders, the enemy attacks with fearsome HARD GAY and RAGING HARD ONs. A soldier reports to Zhou Yu.

Soldier: Sir, the enemy is attacking us! The three generals you sent to the front lines were not enough to police the entirety of our extensive borders.

Zhou Yu: Damn, why am I so useless!?

On a boat, the leader of the evil, Huang Zu, practises being villainous.

Huang Zu: Gwakaka, destruction, blood, fire and evil! Did I miss anything out?

Gan Ning: Sir, why don’t we stop being evil and retire to the bedroom?

Huang Zu: Gan Ning, once your gentle embrace was all I needed, but no longer! I must hear the screams as I have my way with helpless lovers!

Gan Ning: If it would help, I will let you treat me roughly.

Huang Zu: You fool! Your HARD GAY no longer interests me, for it is weak compared to what the Lord’s Cube has given me.

Back in Wu, Lu Xun leads his party of named characters through the streets.

Lu Xun: I can’t believe that Huang Zu could have twisted HARD GAY this much. It is supposed to an expression of love, not something hideous and rough.

Zhuge Jin: It is human nature to want to be dominant and have one’s way with submissives.

In the distance, a HARD GAY aura is seen.

Lu Xun: They have the power of Hyper Self Pleasure!

Ling Tong: How dare they!? Only Wu should have that power!

Zhou Yu: The only counter to their Hyper Self Pleasure is a HARD GAY formation of our own. Lu Meng, Zhuge Jin, you wanted to be civil officials, so you must go to the front lines; Lu Xun, Ling Tong, you stay behind and service my needs. Generics, just stand around.

Lu Xun: How can you make me stay behind when I’m the main character?

Zhou Yu: Patience, my boy- your deus ex machina powers will be needed in due course.

Ling Cao: Listen to Zhou Yu, boy, he may be ineffectual at security but he knows how to set up a good HARD GAY formation. By the way, how is my son?

Lu Xun: He had a bit too much ROCK, but he’s fine now.

Ling Cao: It’s my fault, really; the boy only had me as a partner when growing up, and now he desperately craves new lovers. Therefore I must leave him to you whilst I nip off to have some HORSE.

Lu Xun meets up with Ling Tong, whilst Taishi Ci has intense HARD GAY with an enemy.

Taishi Ci: What brute force! This is what Pleasure is all about!

As Taishi Ci and the other generals are overpowered by the enemy’s intense Pleasure, Ling Cao arrives.

Ling Cao: This is a job for my advanced techniques!

Enemy: Rock and Sword!

Taishi: Damn you, how dare you flaunt your immense Hyper Self Pleasure abilities? You killed my lover!

Lu Meng: Attack Mode On! This is what being a civil servant is all about!

Taishi Ci and Lu Meng overpower Generic Enemy #1.

Generic Enemy #1: Pleasure Field! No one can withstand the intensity of my HARD GAY aura!

Ling Tong and Lu Xun watch the action.

Ling Tong: When are we going to get any HARD GAY?

Lu Xun: Be patient- we are more important characters than they are.

Ling Cao: Musou Attack!

Generic Enemy #2: AAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

The generic enemy crumbles into purple sparkles.

Taishi Ci/Lu Meng: Double Musou!

Generic Enemy #1 is similarly dispatched. Meanwhile, Zhuge Jin and a general face Generic Enemy #3.

Zhuge Jin: Long distance HARD GAY! WEB!

Zhuge Jin entraps Generic Enemy #3 in his web and dispatches him.

Zhuge Jin: Who says you need to be up close and personal to have good HARD GAY?

Huang Zu is having HORSE behind the front lines.

Huang Zu: How dare they get defeated and force me to terminate my HORSE session? Regroup, soldiers!

(Huang Zu: Do I even have any other soldiers?)

As Huang Zu rides away, Ling Tong spots him.

Ling Tong: This is my chance to get some EXP! Commence Attack Mode!

Ling Tong initiates battle, forcing Lu Xun to join his party. His boomerang puts an abrupt end to Huang Zu’s HORSE.

Huang Zu: How dare you interrupt my HORSE!? Hyper Self Pleasure!

Huang Zu’s HARD GAY aura throws Lu Xun and Ling Tong back. Huang Zu prepares to attack Lu Xun, but his aura diminishes.

Huang Zu: What’s happening? Could the strain of this intense HARD GAY be getting too much for me?

Gan Ning appears.

Gan Ning: Arrow!

Lu Xun receives Arrow.

Gan Ning: Sir, you have treated me badly and I am destined to defect, but for now, run away!

Huang Zu mounts his horse and rides away.

Gan Ning: Damn, a pair of children- I was hoping for better HARD GAY partners.

Ling Tong: Don’t you dare insult my prowess in the bedroom!

Lu Xun rushes forward to have HARD GAY with Gan Ning.

Ling Tong: I want a man to myself, so I’ll go after Huang Zu!

Ling Tong starts running away.

Gan Ning: Hey, you were supposed to have HARD GAY with me!

Gan Ning fires an arrow at Ling Tong’s back, who starts to turn around.

Ling Cao: Dramatic Slow Motion Mode!

Ling Cao takes the Arrow for Ling Tong.

(Ling Cao: So this is how I die, in the throes of mere Arrow…)

Lu Xun: RAGING HARD-ON!

Lu Xun knocks Gan Ning backwards with a fire attack. Conveniently an unspecified amount of time passes whilst Ling Tong crouches over Ling Cao’s body in a specially ordered rainstorm.

Ling Tong: Father, take this healing item- it will restore your HP!

Ling Cao: It’s too late, son, my time in this series is over. Polish your skills, and find new HARD GAY partners- I know you are ready.

Ling Cao dies.

To be continued…

This week, let’s begin with an amusing comment that sadly didn’t make it past the net of approval. Intended to appear on the long-dormant Annual Round Up, it reads only “HI! My name is Ndaproverka, and i search frend!  :)”. Good luck, Nodaproverka, I hope you find Frend, whoever he is.

Gundam Pizza Hut
Many of you must have wondered where the Gundam franchise would go next, or how it could possible top the masterpiece of angst, pointless characters, flashbacks and long stretches of boredom that is commonly referred to as Gundam Seed Destiny. Fortunately, Tuesday Rumble can exclusively reveal the next title in the long-running Gundam franchise- Gundam Pizza Hut!

In a universe where numerous factions on Earth and in orbiting space colonies are in constant conflict for no good reason, delivering pizzas can be a dangerous task. After numerous pizza-carrying Zakus are destroyed, Pizza Hut designs five new mobile suits- Gundams- designed to safely deliver pizzas to all corners of the solar system. When four of the Gundams are stolen by rival pizza restaurant Domino’s Pizza, however, an epic battle begins. Can KirAthruShinn, pilot of the Cheese and Tomato Gundam, outwit the Domino pilots of the stolen Hawaiian, Olive, Pepperoni and Stuffed Crust Gundams and ensure that hungry customers get piping hot Pizza Hut? Find out on Gundam Pizza Hut!

KyoAni presents Toilet Cleaners, or A Guide to Hype
When KyoAni announces that they will be producing a new anime about the working lives of toilet cleaners, the fanboys go wild. Let’s chart their reactions.

1.      At first, there is general upset- a season spent on Toilet Cleaners is one less season for Haruhi, FMP and the latest Key adaptation.

2.      Nonetheless, the discord soon passes- after all, this is KyoAni, and so Toilet Cleaners is bound to be great.

3.      Numerous blog posts based around promotional artwork, CMs and general anticipation of Toilet Cleaners start to infest the BlogWorld. Some people start reading the Toilet Cleaners manga in order to be prepared for the anime, whilst Hung gets upset that this will stop a.f.k. from subbing more Animal Yokocho.

4.      By the time Toilet Cleaners is ready to air, the anticipation is at fever pitch. Every fanboy is thoroughly excited about this exciting anime that will expose the heretofore unseen lives of the humble toilet cleaners.

5.      Episode one airs, and even those who do not know a word of Japanese rush to download the raw. Up to twenty five minutes are then spent watching it.

6.      When it comes to viewers’ attention that an anime about cleaning toilets cannot be anything other than utter crap, a complete backlash occurs. In short order, everyone is posting about how awful Toilet Cleaners is and how the hype has led to disappointment.

7.      Within the next week or so, a subbed version appears, episode two airs, and more people pick up the series. It now become popular to buck the trend of hating Toilet Cleaners and post about how it really isn’t that bad, and is in fact quite entertaining in places.

8.      By the time the fourth episode has aired, hardly anyone cares anymore…unless of course the series does something high profile like changing director.

Reideen Pick and Mix

“I’ve finally worked out how to beat Solitaire!”

“Are you saying you want to have HORSE?”

“How many times do I have to turn you down before you’ll realise I don’t want to go out with you!?”

“But you’re the only one who can arouse me!”

“Don’t even bother to try that old line- I’m just not interested.”

New Wang’s headquarters are spotted.

“I think that will result in a better HARD GAY experience overall.”

Random Thoughts: Nanoha

This week we catch Nanoha on set during the filming of the latest episode of StrikerS! We know you’ve all been dying to hear her thoughts on this new series, so listen carefully!

So, Nanoha, you were only nine years old when you first starred in Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha. Was it difficult being a child star, especially one that so many lolicons were ogling over?
Well, although not many people know this, I’d actually already played a sixth-grader in Triangle Heart, and it was from there that I got the job for Nanoha. It was a bit strange to go back to playing a third grader, and to be honest, I always wondered why more people didn’t question the fact that it was left to a bunch of nine year olds to save the world. As for the whole lolicon issue, I honestly had no idea that kind of thing was associated with our series- I thought they were watching it because of my acting skills.

How do you answer accusations that Raising Heart is the one that does all the work in battle whilst you just stand there?
Raising Heart: That is correct- Nanoha is useless-

Nanoha: Shut up! Next question, please.

Well then, moving on to StrikerS, did you expect to be sidelined for a whole bunch of new characters that, quite frankly, no one cares about?
I guess there’s no point hiding it anymore- that tight-fisted studio weren’t willing to pay us recurring characters the fee we deserve, and we ended up in court arguing over it. Since they couldn’t exactly make the show without us with a huge backlash, we eventually came to a agreement that we would accept the lower wage but work in fewer scenes. We honestly thought that the studio would realise their folly and eventually agree to pay us more, but those skinflints just brought in a bunch of cheap to hire newcomers- can you believe it?

Could you also explain the logic between using a limiter to downgrade your impressive power?
That’s obvious, isn’t it? This series has to last twenty-six episodes, so they can’t just have us blowing away the enemy right at the beginning. Instead, we have to act like weaklings and wait for those damned newcomers to level up.

And finally, are you allowed to drop any hints as to what we can expect to see in future episodes of StrikerS?
I have to keep the specifics strictly confidential, but you can expect a lot of transformation sequences and fights against generic enemies.

This Week in Anime

Onions, potatoes and carrots decide to undergo essential bonding by going on a camping trip together.

Kenichi finds himself at the mercy of an apple infection.

The cure is swift but dangerous.

…and re-infection is always a problem.

Anime Awards

Most enjoyable flashback of the week goes to Claymore, which seems to have improved with the advent of its flashback arc.

Most forgettable OVA of the week has already been forgotten, but is a prize that deserves to be shared between Sakura Taisen New York and Murder Princess.

Widest angle scene of the week appears in Heroic Age, which gives widescreen a new meaning with its needlessly wide angled battle scenes.

HARD GAY corner: Gundam Seed
Kira and Athrun were HARD GAY partners from childhood, but a cruel fate saw them separated and forced to fight on opposing sides. Although Athrun had new lovers in the form of Yzak, Nicol and Dearka, he longed for Kira’s skilled embrace, whilst Kira’s Coordinator skills made all his Natural lovers seem unskilled- only Mu La Flaga could even come close to satisfying him.

After numerous experiments with passing lovers, and even brief dabbling in the world of STRAIGHT, Kira and Athrun were eventually able to reconcile with each other and experience a new form of HARD GAY known as ‘SEED’, but little did they know that their idyllic days were numbered.

To be continued in HARD GAY Corner: Gundam Seed Destiny.

OST spotlight: Phantom Brave
As the bonus disc that comes with the Phantom Brave game, this short CD isn’t one I would have bought on its own was it not provided. That’s not to say it is bad; in fact, the melodic orchestral blend of lilting themes often reaches quite a high standard for game music- it may not be able to challenge the greats, but it is still worthy on its own merit at times. Unfortunately, it isn’t really consistent, with some of the slower vocal ballads feeling more dull and interminable than engaging.

Notable tracks: Thinking of You, Grand Melody, Game Braker, Strange Wind, Sorrow

Licensing Reactions

• Saiunkoku Monogatari (Geneon): This isn’t unexpected since Geneon already acquired a SaiMono domain name, but now it is finally official, and whilst I love the series and want it in DVD, 39 episodes across singles will a bit too much of a strain on the budget, forcing me to wait for a boxset.

Mini-editorial: How similar should the anime and manga be?
I’ve talked about anime adaptations that have been better or worse than their original manga, but when it comes down to it, how similar should the two be? As we all know, changing the story in order to better suit the pacing of a twenty-five episode, adding in filler or changing the ending because the manga is unfinished are hardly uncommon, and yet they are also often cause for vocal complaints as a solid original story gets turned into something inferior. Then again, if the anime follows the manga exactly, no only does one become disinclined to experience the exact same story over again, but a certain amount of impatience and boredom creeps in due to knowing exactly what will come next.

Slice of life series such as Aria, Mushishi and Honey and Clover seem to be at their best when they echo the manga exactly, without ever feeling dull- and for some reason, it was the same with the faithful Hikaru no Go. Other faithful series such as the exposition-heavy Death Note, however, just feel surplus to requirements for anyone who is already familiar with the manga. On the flip side of the coin, the changes made to series such as Chobits only end up making the anime feel slower paced and more painful, perhaps because the original material is not that strong to begin with. Perhaps ultimately, this is a situation that needs to be taken on a series by series (or at least genre by genre) case, with consideration towards what works in each medium, and of course the quality of the core story.

Harem of the week: Keitaro Urashima- Love Hina
The luckless loser destined never to get into Tokyo University, Keitaro was a handed a harem of sorts by becoming manager of the Hinata Apartments, an all-female dormitory.

Harem

Naru Narusegawa: The main girl, and tsundere locked in a perpetual cycle of softening towards Keitaro and then beating up when he makes yet another unintentional faux pas.

Mitsune Konno (Kitsune): The laid back and forward older woman (in terms of attitude rather than age), has a fondness for drinking and causing trouble for others.

Kaolla Su: The eccentric inventor loli, can transform into an adult form under certain circumstances.

Shinobu: The quiet loli, shyly adores Keitaro.

Motoko Aoyama: The tough girl, a kendo expert scared to reveal a softer side.

Mutsumi: The sick girl, a childhood friend and love rival.

Sarah McDougal: Another loli, this one the aggressive and unruly type.

Rivals

Professor Noriyasu Seta: The object of Naru’s crush, and when she later turns to Keitaro, Kitsune reveals her feelings for him.

Lamba Lu: Cousin of Su, she seems to have feelings for him before giving him up to her sister Amalla.

Kentaro Sakata: An early rival for Naru’s affections until he becomes too minor to be a threat.

Fashion Police: Meg
The second entrant in our Burst Angel month of fashion diasasters, Meg illustrates what Selphie initially taught us- there are certain shades of yellow that should not be used extensively in clothing. Where Selphie wore a rag, however, Meg does at least cover herself up a bit, although much of the upper body and thighs are left exposed, with only the hideous yellow chaps attempting to compensate for a skirt so short that her panties are inevitably exposed. And above all else- why don’t her breasts pop out of the laughably small bit of fabric that is holding them in?

Fashion sense: F

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: busou renkin hentai, porn toube, you toube

romance of the three kingdoms III winxp: Not here, I’m afraid.

Ginga Densetsu Weed Theme Downloads: people actually want this as a computer theme?

rotk rpg: Can’t find ROTK III? Make your own RPG instead.

autumn flame grass: what is this?

“love slave” baka updates: Maybe try Baka Updates instead of Azure Flame?

rpg maker xp stargate: Stargate the RPG, coming soon to a galaxy near you.

After randomly stopping off at yet another outpost of generics, Nadie and Ellis encounter Rita, a young girl who can’t seem to decide between HARD YURI and STRAIGHT. Can they help Rita make the right choice?

Once again, Nadie is hiring out Ellis for BI with one shot generics.

At long last, Ellis seems to have got the hang of pleasuring the customers.

Not for long.

“Of course I did, because even though we just met you are the main characters, and thus my best hope of screen time.”

Nadie and Ellis find a new lover.

“Are you interested in HARD YURI?”

“That HARD YURI didn’t seem very enthusiastic.”

“Fugly, unappealing and unattractive- I have them all!”

“How would you like an evening of STRAIGHT with yours truly?”

“Hey, thanks for your HARD YURI earlier- even if it wasn’t all that great, I appreciate the effort.”

“She’s at that age, you know- the one where you can’t decide your preferences.”

“And until she decides, she can’t hire herself out for Pleasure.”

“Wait a minute…you aren’t Ellis!”

“Yeah, I’m here to give you some basic BI.”

“Thanks for the BI, it was interesting.”

“When someone is in need of BI, I have sworn to give it to them.”

“You girls want a group session? I’m afraid I’m not licensed to perform one of those- it wouldn’t be safe.”

“Even so, I don’t mind spending the night with you two lovely ladies- you’ll understand when you see my wife.”

“Sketching a full landscape would be impossible.”

“You gave me quite mediocre HARD YURI before, and yet you came here to beg for more?”

“Looks like Rita is thinking about turning HARD YURI again.”

“Heh, I bet you’re just incapable of the kind of intense HARD YURI I’m looking for.”

“We’re perfectly capable of that kind of HARD YURI, but it would endanger your life.”

“Since we only care about achieving the ultimate Pleasure, we willingly put our lives at risk.”

“You definitely wouldn’t be able to withstand it.”

“Stop mocking me- HARD YURI is the same whether you’re in the city or the country.”

“It’s the truth, I tell you!”

“Yeah, right.”

“I can’t believe I stooped so low as to even think of asking you for HARD YURI!”

“Nadie wasn’t lying when she said our HARD YURI was dangerous- look, we even use Gun.”

“Ellis, what have I told you about touching my private parts without permission?”

“Hey ho, hey ho, a stalker’s life for me!”

“This is a healthy pastime for a young man.”

“Thanks for the HARD GAY- you are dismissed.”

“Now to see what’s on Web TV.”

“Damn, it’s just El Cazador de la Bruja episode 4- no wonder they say Web TV is overrated.”

“Could these all be from my cybersex sessions?”

“Can I have STRAIGHT? I can’t pay you right now, but I promise I will in the future.”

“No money, no STRAIGHT.”

“That’s why I have to sell my body as well.”

“We’re not in the mood for BI with you.”

“Sorry, but my Liang wants a taste of Ellis.”

“Ellis is mine!”

“Let me put it this way- if Ellis doesn’t have BI with me, then you will have to.”

“You could have got away with having HARD YURI with me instead, but no- you had to be difficult.”

Nadie chooses to give up Ellis rather than having late night BI herself.

“That was a great group session- why was that old guy saying it was dangerous?”

This episode’s GTA level begins.

Ellis demonstrates how to float up a cliff (I’m not kidding).

“As a main character, she doesn’t even have to answer to gravity.”

“I wasn’t sure if you’d chosen HARD YURI or STRAIGHT yet.”

“…how hard it is to choose one or the other.”

“In time, she’ll figure out which preference is for her.”

Detective introduces his loli to the wonders of DONKEY, a sort of beginner’s HORSE.

“Well, we didn’t win Rita over to HARD YURI, but let’s just have some anyway- take off your clothes, Ellis.”

It’s a lazy Saturday morning and you can’t be bothered to do anything other than sit and watch whatever crap happens to be on TV. It’s a situation most of us have been at one point or another in our lives, and it is in these weak and lazy moments that the likes of Beyblade creep in. One minute, you’re a respectable anime fan who can hold your head up in the most pretentious of online communities, the next you’re watching a budget series with a cheesy English dub about boys who are so obsessed with spinning tops that they’re prepared to miss school in order to travel around the world entering tournaments. Yes, this is truly the dark side, the place where Beyblade awaits, and it is at this moment that I have to admit that yes, I have seen all 153 episodes of it, god have mercy on my soul.

As a series designed for the sole purpose of selling toys, Beyblade toils under the necessity to making spinning tops look like the next big thing, and thus takes place in a world where everyone in their early teens is obsessed with the sport. There are Beyblade Federation buildings all over the world, Beyblade shops in every town, even special Beyblading academies where children can hone their skills. Now, being the obvious novitiate at spinning top games that I am, I assumed that there was very little that could be done in the way of training- after all, after you’ve built and launched the thing, all you can do is sit there and hope for the best, right? Not so, it seems, in the world of Beyblade, where everyone can inexplicably exert a conscious control over one’s spinning top (or blade, as they are known in the series), directing them to move as they will. Then again, in a world where spinning tops are all the rage (a fact which the characters feel obliged to comment on every few minutes), perhaps it shouldn’t be considered odd that everyone who plays it has telekinetic abilities.

Even so, it is clear this in itself isn’t enough to lure impressionable viewers into the world of blading, and so an extra hook is given in the fact that the Beyblades of most named characters are not mere spinning tops- instead, they are imbued with special powers. Inside these blades dwell animal spirits known as Bit Beasts, who can be summoned during the ‘Beybattle’ to perform special attacks, which, together with novelty ‘Beystadiums’ containing special obstacles and different terrains, helps to disguise the fact that spinning top contests are ultimately rather boring. And lest anyone snort in disbelief and underestimate the incredible power of these devices, it should be made clear that not only have certain personalities in the series wished to harness the power of Bit Beasts in order to take over the world, but they have even proven capable of creating entire parallel dimensions.

So, having convinced children everywhere that spinning tops are amazingly cool, and that they too can have exciting battles with their own super-powered Beyblades, the next step is to provide something for them to actually buy. Naturally, every kid will want the same blades as their heroes, but once they’ve collected everything from Tyson’s Dragoon to Tala’s Wolborg, how do you keep them coming back for more? Introducing more named characters can and does work, but an even better method is to have the leads continually upgrade their blades. Why settle for just a Dragoon when you can also pick a negligibly different Dragoon Phantom as well? Be it training or tournament, each new arc will see our heroes rebuilding their blades, ensuring that there is yet another model the kids will be clamouring for.

For all the cynicism and low budget attempt to shift plastic toys, however, it has to be admitted that on some level, Beyblade is actually quite entertaining. From unintentional hilarity to cheesy dialogue and even the occasional genuinely funny joke, there is some quality about that ensures that whilst the series overall is actually rather poor, it somehow remains watchable for episode upon episode.

Know Your Beybladers- dub version
Beyblade is a world filled with Beyblading teams, some generic, some named, and to be honest, I cannot even remember them all. The situation only gets worse in seasons two and three, where a raise in the animation budget allows for more polished character designs and ugly CG Beyblades, not to mention the addition of a whole host of new sense and continuity defying characters. Not that Beyblade makes a great deal of sense at the best of times; after all, this is a world where named characters can continue to participate in tournaments even after they get knocked out in earlier rounds.

Bladebreakers: Our heroes, the Bladebreakers initially consist of Destined Hero Tyson, Cheerful Defense Specialist Max (you can tell he’s half American since he’s blonde), Cool and Calm Ray and Anti-Hero Kai, the perfect combination of generic shounen personalities. Nerd Kenny supports them from the sidelines, using his high-powered laptop to suggest such brilliant strategies as “if you want to win this match, you have to beat the other guy!”. From season two, the team gains a token female cheerleader in the form of Tyson’s classmate Hilary, whilst in season three Max, Ray and Kai all leave to join different teams, forcing Tyson to bring in Chirpy and Immature Hothead Daichi.

White Tigers: A Hong Kong team composed of Ray’s childhood friends, there is a rift between them and Ray at the beginning of season one, but after they are defeated by the Bladebreakers, they see the error of their ways and instantly become good friends with him again. The White Tigers consists of Gruff and Angry Hothead Lee, Ray’s Love Interest Mariah, Sneaky Prankster Kevin and Large and Dumb But Well Meaning Gary.

AllStars: Who else but an American team would call themselves the Allstars? A team of gifted sports talents specially trained by Max’s mother to channel their skills into Beyblading, they become rivals of the arc for the Bladebreakers until they too are defeated and decide to become friends with the main characters. The team consists of Too Smart for Her Own Good Emily and three annoyingly shallow (even by the standards of this series) Sports Jocks.

Demolition Boys: A Russian team with a past connection to Kai (are you seeing the pattern yet?), the Demolition Boys are harshly trained and highly skilled bladders who are the final bosses of season one- their leader is even placed in a vat and upgraded to become the ultimate Beyblader (luckily his skill is no match for Friendship and Destiny). Naturally, after being defeated, they become allies of the main characters.

Majestics: The obligatory European team, the Majestics are incredibly wealthy and somewhat eccentric even by Beyblade standards, although they do prove worthy opponents for a training arc between tournament matches.

Saint Shields: One of the main antagonists for season two, the Saint Shields have apparently been tasked with the mission of sealing away all Bit Beasts, although somehow they missed all the ones seen in season one. Although they are initially stronger than the heroes, they kindly give our leads time to level up and become powerful enough to defeat them.

Team Psykick: Another season two enemy, these children are so accomplished in Beyblading that they have already travelled around the world to teach others. On their return, they are programmed for evil and given dark copies of the heroes’ Bit Beasts, but thankfully, the power of friendship wins through after some lengthy Beyblade battles.

Zeo’s team: The final bosses of season two, Zeo’s team consist of two blade hunters who steal rare parts from their opponents, one generic power-crazy hothead, and Zeo, a boy who starts out friendly until he learns that he is an artificial being built to replace his ‘father’s’ real son. From that point onwards, he becomes evil, and only the power of Beyblading to save him.

Final Thoughts
It can hardly be said to be very good, and I wouldn’t go so far as recommending it to anyone, but compared to much of the complete trash aimed at children, Beyblade at least offered entertainment of a sort, unintentional or otherwise. Let it forever be known as a guilty pleasure that some of us have indulged in on dark days of boredom.

Day 1
My third year on the farm has commenced, and with it the snow has magically melted once more to reveal a bright new day (it has also reset all the grass to the same stage of growth, which looks less messy but prevents me from restocking the fodder silo straightaway). As soon as I got outside this morning, I planted all nine bags of Strawberry seeds, and later added five bags of Toy Flower seeds; it may seem like too much to handle, but as an experienced farmer I am confident that I can manage- I may even add a bag or two or cabbage seeds as I have no cabbages in the fridge. The spring mood also seems to have affected the animals, who were most energetic and intractable when I went into the barn to feed and milk them.

After devoting the afternoon to foraging for the spring items that the girls love so much, I went down to Rose Square to celebrate the New Year. All the older villagers were at the inn, and so I was able to chat up all the girls before sharing a dance with Popuri. Karen danced with Rick, but I’m sure she winked at me at one point.

Day 2
A busy day today, reminding me how different the bustling spring is from the sedate winter. After attending to the watering and the animals in the morning, I went down to town at lunchtime in order to catch Won and buy some more cabbage and pineapple seeds. Naturally, I took the opportunity to chat to all the girls, and a gift of eight Blue Grass for Mary turned out to be enough to tip her affections over into the green heart range.

Back home, I planted the two bags of cabbages outside, and used four bags of Pineapple seeds to optimise my hothouse. Crop efficiency has now been maximised in the hothouse, and so pineapples will form a regular line of profit.

Day 3
Since it was raining today, I was able to take a more Winter-like attitude to the farm tasks, eschewing watering for simply tending to the hothouse and animals. Afterwards, I naturally went into town to chat to all the girls and pick up some fish food- having somehow survived the pond being frozen all winter, the fish are now eating and breeding again, and their numbers are up to a solid 62.

In the afternoon, I turned my attention to foraging, before finally going to bed and trying to sleep despite Tony’s crying (I would pick him up and comfort him if I could, but for some reason I cannot).

Day 4
The rain must have done the fields some good, as the strawberries and toy flowers have all sprouted in the aftermath of the downpour (the cabbages are slow, but I have come to expect that). Unfortunately, since today was sunny and bright, I was forced to spend no fewer than four hours watering before nipping into town to chat to the girls. Afterwards, the afternoon was spent tending to the animals and foraging, although whilst out, I happened to run into a group of villagers talking to Harris. They were discussing an unknown furry attacker with long arms, a strange voice, at which point the bearded and muscular Gotz emerged from his house. Was it Gotz who scared them, and if so, was it intentional? Surely there cannot be anything sinister about a simple woodcutter…can there?

Day 5
The hothouse’s first Pineapples were ready today, and so it was with a sense of triumph that I harvested and shipped them, although I must remember to keep at least some of the next batch for cooking purposes. After they had been seen to, I went outside to continue the tedious task of watering, before taking a break to nip into town to chat to the girls. To my delight, not only did my continuing gifts bring Mary up to yellow heart level, but my daily chats with Ann have raised her to green heart. Now that Mary’s affections for me have grown, she has opened up to me a bit more, explaining how desperately she wants more people to come and use the library. I wish I could encourage the villagers to read more, but they seem an illiterate bunch, and are rarely willing to discuss anything with me outside of their limited parameters.

Naturally, in the afternoon I saw to the animals and went foraging again- I am now slightly worried about what will happen if I run into Gotz, but since I am well armed with various farming tools, I am not unduly concerned should he prove to be violent.

In other news, I have placed a Moondrop flower in the vase to give our bedroom that bright, spring-like feel.

Day 6
In an attempt to reduce the chaos in the barn, I tried feeding the animals first thing this morning, and while they were indeed orderly when I first walked in, they were soon milling around as usual- is there any way to avoid this pain? Other than that little change of routine, the day passed as normal with watering, tending to the animals and of course chatting to girls. I hope the men of the village are not becoming jealous of my prowess with the ladies, for they may come and sabotage my farm.

Day 7
Since my not insignificant patch of grass was ready today, I decided to put aside everything except the necessary farming tasks in order to concentrate on it- after all, I have used some 700+ bushels of fodder since I was last able to cut grass. After a day of intense cutting (and a relaxing mid-afternoon hot spring bath to resort my energy in the middle of it), I have finally restored my fodder count back up to the 600s, but I must put in additional work in order to cut down the rest of the field.

Day 8
The Spring Goddess Festival came around again today, and so as with last year, Popuri met me outside, dressed in her traditional costume. Although I felt somewhat guilty about leaving Tony crying indoors all day, I quickly finished up all my farm tasks and escorted her to the festival. As to be expected from this kind of event, it proceeded in exactly the same fashion as last year, with all the girls performing the dance before Popuri asked me to accompany her to the beach. I am only glad I managed to get everything done before the festival since, as always seems to happen, this simple sequence of events ended up taking up the rest of the day. Ah well, at least all the girls looked cute in their costumes.

Day 9
Since I was too busy yesterday to put any of the ripe Pineapples in the fridge, I took today’s harvest into the house- only to realise that I already have stored pineapples and don’t really need anymore. Fortunately, this little annoyance was soon erased by the fact that the first harvest of strawberries was ready, and so most of the day was spent collecting and shipping them (with eight saved for the icebox), with only a brief break in between to nip into town and visit the girls. I tried to explain to them that I would most likely be too busy on the farm in coming days to visit them as regularly, but as usual they did not want to engage in such a dialogue and instead repeated their same old lines.

Since harvesting and watering the crops took until late evening, I decided to forego foraging for the third day in a row- calm winter now seems far away compared to these hectic days.

In other news, the cows were so unruly this morning that I was forced to give up milking partway through, whilst my fence has had to be partially dismantled since it interferes with the harvesting of crops.

Day 10
Even though I promised to slack off on the secret affairs, somehow I just cannot resist- for example, today I had to call into Chicken Lil’s to pick up some more chicken feed, and so it seemed almost foolish not to present Mary with more gifts and chat to Elli and Ann on the way home (Karen is elusive during the mid-morning hours and so I had to miss her out). Afterwards, I went on a quick foraging mission in the vicinity of the hot springs, before returning home to cut down the rest of the grass and have a nice long soak before bed. I finally returned home at 10pm, my first late evening in many weeks.

Day 11
A fresh batch of Pineapples was ready today, and so after seeing to the animals, I harvested them prior to getting on with the other tasks. Once everything was done, I once again ventured into town to chat with Mary, and at long last my gifts were enough to swing her affections into orange heart level. The only trouble is that now she has begun talking of marriage- I already have to listen to Elli discuss wedlock, and now another woman wants to take my hand in marriage! When will they understand that they are mere dalliances who are lucky to get any attention from me- Popuri is, and always will be, my beloved wife.

In the afternoon, I turned my attention to foraging, and even ventured up Mother’s Hill to collect flowers for the first time in a while.

Day 12
Today was largely uneventful, which of course means that I had to work hard whilst encountering no particular novelties. I must, however, mention a rather bizarre post box that I have encountered in the middle of town- whenever I examine it, it says “How is your mother and father?”. Aside from the grammatical issues with this, I think everyone must agree that a post box that actually talks to you is a rare oddity indeed. I would of course like to contact my parents, but with no way to buy writing materials, I cannot send them any letters, and nor do they seem inclined to contact me.

Day 13
Since tomorrow is the spring thanksgiving festival (a time when one traditionally gives cookies to girls, even if I have thus far neglected to do so), I decided to have a go at whipping up some cookies in the kitchen, for although I already have a plateful for Popuri, it would be nice to make some for the other girls. Unfortunately, not only is the fridge getting bare of ingredients, but after painstakingly whipping up some butter, I accidentally threw it away mere moments later.

In an attempt to dull the pain of my idiocy, I went into town to chat with the girls, before heading back to forage on Mother’s Hill. At home, the Toy Flowers have finally bloomed, although since they look so pretty I will not pick them until the end of the season.

Day 14
Spring Thanksgiving is finally here, and so after giving Popuri my pre-prepared cookies (still fresh after all this time), I cooked up two more plates of cookies before running out of ingredients. Even though it was raining, I was able to track down Karen and Elli and give them the cookies, before purchasing some more flour and making further cookies for Mary and Ann. Everyone was delighted to receive cookies, and they even promised to give me something at winter thanksgiving, although the fact that I am married may prevent them from carrying out their word.

Thanks to the rain, I was able to skip the time-consuming watering and only do the most minimal of work on the farm, making sure of course to set aside some more eggs and milk for future cooking endeavours.

Day 15
As soon as I got outside this morning, the Mayor came over to talk to me, and for a moment I have to admit that I was worried he was going to take me to task for having secret affairs with all the eligible girls in the village. As it turned out, he just wanted some cucumbers for the cooking competition; since I haven’t planted any, I briefly went into a panic and contemplated rushing down to the supermarket to buy and plant some seeds, before realising that I have some in the fridge which I must remember to deliver to him on the 21^st. Either way, I may plant some cucumbers tomorrow, as I need to keep my fridge well stocked.

The second harvest of strawberries was ready today, and most of the day was spent collecting and shipping them, an exhausting task which ensured that I did not have the time or inclination for foraging or going into town.

A new season has begun, and that means new partnerships are in the offing. Whilst Kurou makes it clear that he has eye on Kurou, Seiran and Shuuei find themselves invited to a rough group HARD GAY session. Will they withstand such an intense encounter?

The new season begins with Shuurei’s greatest trial- drinking Shouka’s tea.

Making tea is no easy task if you do it with your eyes closed.

(“I must not falter! I’m the main character, so this tea must surely not be fatal!”)

Shuuei becomes annoyed when Ryuuki refuses to concentrate on their HARD GAY session.

“Sorry, I was just reminiscing about this great HARD GAY I had with Seiran the other day.”

“You have to stop dwelling on past HARD GAY and live in the present.”

“There are many more prospective lovers who are interested in HARD GAY with you.”

Some generics arrive to ask if Ryuuki has looked at their match.com profiles and arranged dates with them yet.

“Here are even more HARD GAY requests.”

“I can’t avoid sleeping with ugly old generics forever.”

“Even so, you can’t blame me for putting it off!”

“Damn- it’s another few nights of frustration for us!”

“Shuurei is the main character- we are just supporting personalities in her story.”

Yes, Seiran, I think we’ve heard this once or twice before.

“The subordinates were all ordered from Build-A-Generic Workshop.”

“You want me to go and join their group HARD GAY?”

“Sure, why not- I checked your diary and I didn’t see any prior engagements.”

“I appreciate that my time for HARD GAY and BI with you and Shuurei is most likely over now that there are many more characters in the series.”

“And I’ve noticed you aren’t very good at group sessions- you need the practice.”

“…but I needed HARD GAY urgently.”

“And I remembered how good you were when we were together the other day.”

“I’ve often wanted HARD GAY with you, sir, but I was too scared to ask.”

“You have already proven yourself a capable man of HARD GAY.”

“In fact, I would like you to eventually replace Reishin as my regular lover.”

“…bribes, HARD GAY, you name it…”

“Only by getting married can you quell rumours of our HARD GAY and keep my reputation intact.”

“You know how I feel about women, yet you expect me to do this!?”

“BI with you two is always so taxing.”

Elsewhere, Shuuei gets a taste of unexpected Arrow.

The generics are passed out after an intense group session.

Haku quickly takes the opportunity to have Spear with Shuuei.

“You’re in for a night of passion, my boy.”

Seiran patiently waits his turn, having already satisfied himself with Arrow.

“I prefer a more refined HARD GAY.”

“Ah, but Shuuei, it’s not the same without you.”

Shuuei takes a moment to curse the existence of STRAIGHT.

Kouyuu is shocked at the second mention of STRAIGHT in a day.

So shocked, in fact, that he runs off for some quick Pillar.

Seiran demonstrates the latest fashion in Saiunkoku- the Bucket Hat.

Get that unique Saiunkoku look with the Bucket Hat, available from all good clothing retailers.

Look suave and sophisticated like Seiran with the Bucket Hat!

Kouyuu is so drunk that he accidentally has STRAIGHT.

The Bucket Hat, appropriate for any and all situations!

It can even be taken off to function as a bucket!

Shuurei is embarrassed that everyone saw her having STRAIGHT.

The onlookers agree that Shuurei’s stamina was impressive.

“Truly, she surpasses even Liu Bei!”

“There is nothing in the world- not love, money or anything else- that surpasses these manjuu buns.”

“I’ve never even heard of this HARD YURI- what is it?”

Soushi suggests a bold new form of HARD GAY.

“Something the cameras can’t show.”

“Sorry, but I’m not in the mood for BI right now.”

“I just can’t reach a climax anymore.”

“Really? I never noticed.”

“I’ve been faking it recently.”

“I need HARD GAY more often than that.”

“You know where I’m hard, baby.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

“That’s how it should be for HARD YURI.”

“She won’t let me use Tsubaki for BI!”

“Sorry, but the techniques in that magazine just don’t appeal to me.”

“There’s BI going on over there- I must observe!”

“HARD YURI, BI, you name it- she taught me how to do it.”

“I knew he wasn’t enjoying it, but he agreed to sleep with me anyway.”

Maya realises that Kazuki is no good at BI.

“I want you to have HARD GAY with me!”

“…made our Pleasure much more satisfying.”

“I call it HARD GAY.”

“They are dedicated to Pleasuring each other.”

“Of course not…Hyper Self Pleasure isn’t nearly as gratifying.”

“I’m finally having Fafner!”

“He finds it impossible to get aroused.”

“It’s not that he can’t do it, he just takes a while.”

“Practise your HARD GAY for when he gets back, or he’ll put you to shame in the bedroom!”

“He may not have the stamina for extended HARD GAY.”

“Should we ask him to attempt the ultimate ‘Fafner’ anyway?”

“Kazuki wants to try it- how can I stop him?”

“All my frustrations melt when we have ‘Fafner’.”

“Let this be a lesson for being perverted enough to want bondage games with Kazuki!”

“I don’t want that any more- basic HARD GAY is enough.”

“They have learned all our techniques.”

“They know just the sort of positions I like.”

“Zhuge or not, we must expose our Liangs.”

“…since I last had HARD GAY?”

“Two hours!? That’s far too long!”

Ultimate “Soushi!” moment

“It’s desperate- we haven’t had HARD GAY in two hours!”

“It’s becoming weakened from a lack of HARD GAY!”

“I need to know my suitability for BI.”

“Whatever technique you request can be given to you.”

“Little did they know how Zhuge it was.”

“…in this cold and frozen wasteland? How desperate are you?”

“This is a necessary side-effect of attempting the ultimate HARD GAY.”

“It’s worth it for the Pleasure.”

“I have been celibate all that time, waiting for Pleasure.”

“We must hold your Zhuge Liang, only then will it seem real.”

“No one should be spared my love.”

“Soushi! Kazuki!” moment 3

“Through the power of HARD GAY, we are linked!”

“He cannot withstand the force of the ultimate HARD GAY!”

“You’ll turn our HARD GAY into BI!”

“Even my Liang is gone.”

“Do you mean we’ll never have HARD GAY again?”

“Soushi!” only moment 1

“You don’t need to shout, I’m right here.”

“…never take another lover.”

“Soushi!” only moment 2

Damn those HARD GAY bounty hunters- when will they accept that they are too ugly and clichéd to have screen time and just wander off into the land of one-shot failures? In the meantime, so incensed are they with HARD YURI’s prominence in this series that they’ll stop at nothing to destroy Ellis and Nadie and replace them as main characters.

Our leads try to put some variety in their love lives by inviting nuns to their HARD YURI sessions. The nuns have no real reason to help them other than the fact that Nadie and Ellis are main characters.

“We’re back!!!~”

“…or, as the viewers call him, the director.”

Nadie finally gets to fire her gun, a sign that this episode will have “some” action, as opposed to “none whatsoever”.

El Cazador is so boring that it sends even Ellis to sleep.

“It’s just me and my chat room buddies.”

“Face it, they’re just internet contacts- there’s no one else in the room.”

“Liang, melons…all are ticked…”

(“I can’t believe she didn’t ask to sleep with me! Me, the great Rosenberg, most accomplished lover since Casanova!”)

(“Oh well- back to throwing darts at this photo, I guess.”)

“Ellis is so relaxed in the bedroom- I don’t know whether that’s a good or bad thing.”

“Forward, partner, fame, glory and screen time await!”

“Die, foul plates- enemies of mankind!”

“Don’t hold back on our account- nuns are well schooled in the art of HARD YURI, after all, or as we call it, Divine Devotion.”

Heinz Schneider- it’s like a subtle hint that he might be of German descent.

Forget nuns with guns- nuns with clubs and ladles are the in thing this season.

“…it’s Krusty the Clown!”

“Kirika taught me how to kill with a fork.”

“…but this isn’t a Noir rip-off, because I have two forks!”

“I am unaccustomed to waiting so long for a lover to come.”

This ugly character shall henceforth be known as Nut-man, due to his nut-shaped head.

“Wait for us- we can’t run quickly as we have to take mincing cross-dresser steps!”

“I didn’t realise these guys would be recurring.”

“HARD GAY, or HARD YURI?”

The nuns experience Divine Pleasure.

“…and you know what that means.”

“Yep, it’s time for HARD YURI.”

“Although first let’s have this GTA-style driving level.”

“Level complete- you achieved A rank.”

“On the right hand side we have the Noir building, where Kirika gives Sword, whilst on the left we have the Madlax building, sponsored by Coca-Cola.”

Rosenberg is last to arrive at an important HARD GAY date.

“Once you get it up, you can’t afford to wait, because you don’t know how long you’ll last.”

“Fancy coming to my room tonight?”

“German HARD GAY is always efficient and satisfying.”

Blue-Eyes can’t get her mind off HORSE.

“Gwakaka, your plan is doomed to failure! Doomed, I say!”

The nuns tell Nadie that they enjoyed their HARD YURI.

“Previously it said ‘Rosenberg is a HARD GAY loser who has cybersex on internet chat rooms’, but I have altered it to say “‘Rosenberg is NOT a HARD GAY loser who has cybersex on internet chat rooms’”.

“If you’re close to a computer, log onto our chat room so that we can have cybersex!”

In Flashback Mode, we learn how Ellis resisted Schneider’s STRAIGHT.

“Don’t make me have STRAIGHT- I hate it!”

“Very well, I will cancel all our STRAIGHT sessions from now on.”

“The cameras are about to switch off, so let’s have intense HARD YURI!”

May has arrived, and that can only mean that the time for pruning many of the series picked up in April is at hand. In the meantime, visit this thread to learn about the world’s most hilariously awful book.

Reviewed this week: Bokurano 3, Cazador 4, Chevalier 22-4, Claymore 5, Darker than Black 4, Heroic Age 5, Nanoha StrikerS 4, Murder Princess 2, Nodame 14, ROTK 44, SaiMono II 4, Seirei no Moribito 2-4, Sisters of Wellber 1

…and in manga: Nothing this week!

ANIME

Bokurano 3: Just as I feared, Bokurano is beginning to feel slow-paced compared to the manga (although truthfully I have to reread the earlier chapters to refresh my memory), and so whilst there is nothing really wrong with this episode, it just couldn’t grab my attention as much as I would like. The episode deals with the aftermath of the first battle in Zearth and Waku’s subsequent death, and as with Death Note I can feel myself thinking “well, it’s a bit slow now, but the next arc will surely be good”. Yes, it’s the same old reaction, but will it be the same outcome of dropping the series partway through?

El Cazador de la Bruja 4: Every episode I hold out hope that the irritating cross-dressers will not return, and each time they dash my hopes by showing up once more for no better reason than that Bee Train doesn’t seem to have come up with any better minor antagonists. This week, Nadie and Ellis take shelter from the cross-dressing bounty hunters in a convent, whilst Rosenberg acts evil and Blue Eyes provides more exposition scenes than are healthy for a single episode. I suppose the best thing that can be said about it is that the episode is more tolerable than the first three, but it still isn’t great.

*COMPLETE* Le Chevalier d’Eon 22-4: I’d already watched these three episodes in raw, but the chance to pick up on any little scraps of information I missed first time around could hardly be ignored as one of my favourite series of recent times officially draws to a close. It may have been far from perfect, and it certainly teetered on the edge of cheese more than once, but at the same time Chevalier was a compelling and addictive experience, weaving a tale of dark mysteries set in an appealing historical setting. Now, if only there could have been more arcs…

Claymore 5: As I’d hoped, Claymore takes a turn for the better as we finally begin the patented Flashback Mode arc, in which we learn how a Claymore named Teresa once found herself reluctantly taking a girl named Clare under her protection. If I was ever to break out words like “1337”, “w1n” and “awesome”, it would surely have to be for Teresa, for whilst she is hardly the most appealing or complex of characters ever to grace an anime, her cool personality and prowess in battle wins her many points for sheer style.

Darker than Black 4: Darker than Black continues to rank highly as the second two-part story draws to a close, in which we learn that Mai is a Contractor ‘in moratorium’ (a state in which the Contractor does not have to fulfil their contract, but cannot control their power), a condition that is a result of her father’s research into suppressing a Contractor’s powers. Once again, the story is an absorbing mix that perfectly blends action and exposition, whilst protagonist Li/Hei seems ever more like Seishirou as he switches between friendly ‘student’ and calculating Contractor.

Heroic Age 5: There’s only so long something can remain inoffensive before it becomes downright boring, and it seems that Heroic Age has finally reached that point. Whilst Age (now oddly endowed with girly eyelashes) fights another Nodos, the Argonaut is kept occupied with a space insect attack and the declining animation proves that the budget is being spent on Age’s transformation sequence. I don’t even know if I’ll watch next week’s episode, but I’ll leave the option open for now.

Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha StrikerS 4: If ever proof was needed that Nanoha is not a series that should be given 26 episodes for a season, then it was this episode, in which it takes no less than twenty minutes just to give the new characters their weapons (I hear that next episode is all about transformation scenes). Why are we subjected to these pointless new characters? This was supposed to be about Nanoha all grown up, not Nanoha all grown up and taking new underage lovers.

In other news, hilariously Nanoha, Fate, Hayate, Vita and Signum all have limiters on their power to stop them owning the enemy too quickly (the excuse being that so many high level mages wouldn’t be allowed in the same unit otherwise), whilst the new characters have special limiters that give them a smooth levelling up curve. Why not just define a nice levelling up curve in RPG Maker and be done with it?

*DROPPED* Murder Princess 2: You know how it is with OVAs- you tell yourself that since the episodes will be released more slowly than a TV series, you’ll be able to handle even a mediocre series by virtue of watching it slowly. Unfortunately, this is simply not always enough to erase the waste of time that some OVAs end up being, and whilst Murder Princess isn’t wholly awful, I just don’t fancy devoting another two hours of my life to watching the last four episodes.

In this instalment, we are subjected to some twenty or so minutes of dull non-events as Faris takes the place of Alita and prepares for her coronation, whilst the real Alita adopts the role of her maid Milano. Only at the very end are we given some action, and whilst it may be good when compared to the rest of the episode and Bee Train’s usual standard of action scenes, it cannot be said to be more than mediocre in the general scheme of things (and it is rather disheartening to see Doctor Dull and his two loli-robots back again). The only good point about this episode is that Faris actually respects and listens to Alita- based on the first episode I expected her to just do whatever she liked and force poor Alita to desperately make herself heard.

Nodame Cantabile 14: Graduation is over, but Chiaki’s troubles are only just beginning when his uncle calls him back to the family home- once a place of music and enjoyment, but now pervaded by a tense and stale atmosphere. Whilst not an episode that is particularly imbued with the things I like best about Nodame, nor does it contain any of the elements I tend to complain about, resulting in a solid if not outstanding effort.

Romance of the Three Kingdoms 44: It’s just as well that ROTK is coming to an end soon, because now it’s beginning to drag. With only three episodes left, it hardly seems as if the Chi Bi arc can be done justice, although expecting a series where Liu Bei is good and Zhou Yu has a twitching eye to do anything justice may be pushing it a little. Let’s just get it over with and learn a valuable lesson- no more watching this sort of retro cheese.

Saiunkoku Monogatari II 4: This week on SaiMono, oranges take on a heretofore unseen plot importance, whilst Kurou gets more lines than ever before and Reishin continues to skulk around in the background. Although solid, this wasn’t my favourite episode of the season so far, although it was entirely worth it for Hyou Riou’s first meeting with Shuurei at the end- he was immediately compelling and terrifying in equal measure.

On another note, I’d also like to see Reishin finally reveal himself to Shuurei since his skulking is getting a bit old now, although at the same time that would be an additional plot thread to deal with when there’s already plenty going on right now.

Seirei no Moribito 2-4: From its solid beginnings, SnM has turned out to be one of the strongest picks of the season, weaving an interesting story into its beautiful setting. From the hints of magic, mystery and intrigue, to action scenes so well-executed that they set a new standard for animated action, SnM has proven to be far more than it first appeared, and I’m all too eager to be taken along for the ride.

In related news, the SnM parodies will be on hiatus, since I feel there are other series in more urgent need of immediate parody attention.

*NEW* Wellber no Monogatari ~Sisters of Wellber 1: Although I wasn’t particularly planning to watch this, I ended up thinking ‘what the hell’ and trying it anyway, although I can sense that my relationship with the series may not be a long one. It’s not that the series is particularly bad, just that I already cannot bring myself to care much about what’s happening on screen as our fugitive princess and female thief set off on their journey.

Lia confronts Louis.

Louis: Yes, I was the one who killed Lia, Marie and, er, what’s-her-name through intense STRAIGHT. That is why HARD GAY has abandoned me and left me to rot.

Meanwhile, Robin has a cross melted down and turned into bullets.

(Robin: These holy bullets will surely produce a heavenly BI experience.)

Robespierre: Killing the king will not put an end to HARD GAY- if we do not show the people that BI is a viable replacement, they will only long for more of the same.

Robin: Don’t worry- I will show them the strength of BI.

Robespierre: Good boy; now let’s go and have the BI to end all other BI.

Meanwhile, in Louis’ room…

D’Eon: Why did you have to kill Lia? Was she too popular a character to be left alive.

Broglie: Lia and Robespierre’s STRAIGHT was too dangerous- it threatened the HARD GAY fabric of France.

Louis: Although it was a distasteful thing to do, I had fatal STRAIGHT with Lia. When Robespierre learned of it, however, he realised the value of women and chose to forsake pure HARD GAY in favour of accursed BI.

D’Eon: Lia sacrificed so much in preparation for this series!

Louis: Indeed, and yet there is more exposition to reveal. For example, I am not truly of the royal bloodline, for it was prophesied that the true heir would be too HARD GAY for even France to handle. Thus, Maximilien and I were exchanged, but now it seems that I am not HARD GAY enough, for my dalliances in STRAIGHT have caused me to rot.

D’Eon: But Lia can open the Book of HARD GAY, and she is a woman!

Louis: Lia is one of the previous king’s illegitimate children; when I sought to separate from Maximilien, it was not so much from fear of STRAIGHT as a desire to avoid incest. Although that being said, I cannot help but be resentful towards STRAIGHT, for when I learned the truth of my lineage I always knew I would never truly escape it no matter how HARD GAY I tried to be. Look- I can’t even give myself Hyper Self Pleasure now.

Louis tries to give himself Sword, but he cannot.

D’Eon: Could you stop talking about yourself? This exposition is getting boring.

Robespierre, Robin, Giuseppe and Lorenza enter.

Robespierre: Stop prattling on about HARD GAY, old man- this is the era of BI!

Lorenza: Everyone is sick of this lengthy exposition! Let’s have a Psalm Battle!

Lorenza and Lia have a Psalm battle, but Lia is clearly stronger.

Robespierre: Lia and d’Eon in one body- I can no longer hold back the urge to have Sword!

Robespierre gives Lia-d’Eon intense Sword.

Robespierre: Let me give you Sword good enough to send you to the next world!

Just as it seems that Robespierre is about to kill Lia-d’Eon, the Book of HARD GAY opens and dispels his attack.

Robespierre: Could it be that HARD GAY is rejecting the concept of BI?

Suddenly, Gargoyle Saint-Germain bursts in through the window.

Robin: Saint-Germain! His corpse must be animated by his intense cravings for HARD GAY!

Lorenza: I will stop him with HARD YURI!

Saint-Germain resists Lorenza’s HARD YURI magic.

Giuseppe: In that case, let me satisfy his cravings with Sword!

Even Giuseppe’s Sword is not enough to stop Saint-Germain. Lia-d’Eon attacks next, but even s/he cannot stop Saint-Germain, who leaps onto Louis’ bed. Louis gives him Sword.

Louis: Yes, this is as it should be…how ironic that a corpse would be my last HARD GAY experience…

Saint-Germain is weakened.

Robin: Let’s all join in and have some CORPSE!

Robin gives Saint-Germain Pistol, which Lia-d’Eon follows up with Sword. The Sword shatters, but Saint-Germain is dispatched in a purple aura of HARD GAY.

Robin: Now to put an end to foul HARD GAY!

Robin tries to give Louis fatal Pistol, but his gun will not fire.

(Robin: Is my weapon rejecting the idea of HARD GAY now that I have had CORPSE and BI?)

Robespierre picks up the Book of HARD GAY and hands it to Robin.

Robespierre: Lia, the time is near to transform this Book of HARD GAY into a Book of BI. What do you say to that?

Broglie: HARD GAY forever!

Broglie gives Robespierre Sword.

Robespierre: Why didn’t you do this when I was a child? If only you had, I might have lived a life of HARD GAY, never wishing to seek out STRAIGHT or BI.

Robespierre causes Broglie to collapse.

Robespierre: Okay, the series is drawing to a close; let’s go outside to tie up the plot.

Robespierre, Robin, Lia-d’Eon, Giuseppe and Lorenza go outside, leaving Louis indoors.

Louis: Oh cruel plot, leaving me to rot in here alone!

Outside, Robespierre says farewell to his companions.

Robespierre: According to the director, my time here is up. Robin, you must continue spreading BI across Europe in my name.

Next, Robespierre talks to Lia-d’Eon.

Robespierre: I must go to the next world, for this plane of existence can no longer satisfy my intense BI cravings.

Robespierre dies; elsewhere, the Book of HARD GAY becomes the Book of BI, and Robin opens it. He sees a vision of BI before Lia-d’Eon interrupts him.

Lia: Robin, you can still go back to being a supporting character- just give me the Book of BI.

Robin: Haha, I have the Book, and you’re never getting your hands on it!

Lorenza and Giuseppe’s carriage conveniently comes by, and Robin jumps into it.

(Lia-d’Eon: Damn, I really wanted that Book.)

Older d’Eon begins to narrate as we see d’Eon burning his sister’s corpse.

Older d’Eon: On that day, I knew there were no more threats to my role as main character, but I also knew that the series had ended. All I could do was indulge in my fetish for women’s clothing and watch as Robin’s BI conflicted with Broglie’s HARD GAY. From then on, events proceeded as history dictated, whilst I went to England for BI with Queen Charlotte. And now, all I can do is make money by turning my story into an anime…

The end.

I rarely write a dedicated mid-way impressions post- between commenting in the Weekly Round-Up and writing final thoughts at the end, such a thing would seem surplus to requirements. Nonetheless, when it came to Nodame Cantabile, I had a sudden and overwhelming urge to create a post about it- not because I find it overwhelming good or appallingly bad, but to address the mixed feelings I have about the series.

Nodame Cantabile follows the like of Chiaki Shinichi, a piano major in his final year at music college. Although he is practically a virtuoso on the piano, Chiaki’s true dream is to become a world-famous conductor, an ambition that is hampered by his mortal fear of taking a plane or boat to another country. As our tale begins, Chiaki ends up befriending his next door neighbour Noda Megumi (a.k.a. Nodame), a fellow piano major who lacks the dedication and technical ability to be a solid player, but nonetheless shows flashes of her own unique style and brilliance. Nodame instantly becomes devoted to Chiaki, and an unlikely friendship between them and several other students in the music department begins. The result is a series that no doubt has potential, but like Nodame, it tends to come in the form of flashes of excellence set amidst weaker stretches.

The Good
As a fan of Honey and Clover and its brethren, naturally I cannot help but be drawn to the slice-of-life elements of the series- even if it is not “H&C with music”, it can’t be denied even the intimation that it is is a big draw for me. Watching characters face that point of transition when they must leave the safety of education and either strike out into the real world or find some way to avoid it will always be fascinating, as will seeing the unique solution each person has to this situation. In these moments, Nodame is everything I want it to be, and I have little to complain about.

The series’ other strength comes from its two leads, both intriguing characters who can be said to be geniuses in their own right, but for very different reasons. Chiaki’s abilities are technical and intellectual; he excels at piano, violin and conducting, and is always hard on himself and others in an attempt to achieve the best possible performance. Unsurprisingly, human interaction is not his strong point, although he does start to soften a little as the series progresses.

In contrast, Nodame’s skill is far more intuitive and instinctual; in terms of conventionally learning and reproducing music, she is barely able to cope, but she has an amazing ability to learn a piece just from hearing it, and even recompose it to produce her own unique interpretation. If there’s something she wants to achieve, she will dedicate herself to it to the exclusion of even looking after herself, but her interest is often fleeting and erratic- she doesn’t even want to pursue music as a career. The contrast between her and Chiaki is oddly absorbing, and in the moments when the series offers glimpses into the depth of their personalities, it gains a rare quality and allure.

The Bad
Unfortunately, for all the potential that Nodame is apt to show, it is all too often brought back down to Earth by its numerous weaker elements. Chief among these is the series’ off-kilter sense of humour, which not only scrapes such low brow and unfunny topics as fart jokes, but gives Nodame a taste of ‘FMA syndrome’- the unfortunate tendency to destroy a thoughtful or dramatic moment by following it up with some ill-placed humour. Many viewers will surely enjoy the series’ lighter moments, but for me they are marred by simply not being the style of humour that I enjoy.

The series’ other major weakness is its supporting characters, who almost without exception range from the irritating to the utterly pointless. Chief offender is Chiaki’s mentor and famed composer Stresemann, whose constant womanising and flippant attitude is surely a blight on the series. At this point in the series, he has finally stopped appearing, but there is always the threat that he will return later on. Meanwhile, other characters such as violinist Mine and transsexual timpanist Masumi are more bearable, but they still have the capacity to annoy, whilst many of their classmates appear so little that when the time comes to care about them mid-series, it is impossible to even remember their names.

For the nitpicker, there are also some lesser concerns- the CG hands used in instrument playing scenes are distractingly ugly, whilst on a completely different note, there are occasional niggling shounen vibes. Will Chiaki put together The Strongest Orchestra and use the power of Destiny to make them magically level up? Will Nodame become the token female mascot who watches from the sidelines whilst having ‘great power’ that only manifests when the plot needs it to? The series isn’t really like this, but the undercurrents manifest themselves from time to time with enough presence to be noticeable.

Final Thoughts
Nodame Cantabile is perhaps even more frustrating than a series which is straightforwardly sub-par, because in this case the hints of potential and greatness are so compelling that they make the weaker stretches all the more apparent and frustrating. It may be that the second half of the series may settle things one way or another, but for now it remains determinedly hit-and-miss.

Louis advances on Anna, Sword in hand.

(Anna: I feel like I should run away, but I just can’t be bothered. What’s the point of living in a world where d’Eon doesn’t even know who I am, and my only offers of STRAIGHT come from old men and little boys?)

Louis gives Anna fatal Sword; a short while later, Broglie arrives.

Louis: For a moment there, my STRAIGHT impulses overcame me, but now that I am back to myself again, I can see that STRAIGHT is quite distasteful.

Broglie: From now on, leave all matters of STRAIGHT to me.

Robin arrives.

Robin: What have you done? STRAIGHT is the future, and you two have just tried to destroy it! Damn you!

Unable to control himself, Robin gives Broglie Pistol.

(Robin: What have I done? I’m trying to give up HARD GAY, but at the first sign of trouble the old instincts assert themselves.)

Robin runs away. Meanwhile, in his room, d’Eon reads about HARD GAY when Lia suddenly asserts herself.

D’Eon: Aagh, I can’t avoid it- I’m entering Flashback Mode.

D’Eon sees Lia and Robespierre on a boat to England.

Robespierre: Ah, another successful BI session complete. Hey Lia, your little brother must have grown up by now? If he’s as good as you in the bedroom, I wouldn’t mind meeting him when we get back to France.

Lia: d’Eon may not be a good choice of partner for you.

Robespierre: I bet you just want to keep him for yourself, don’t you? He can’t be that bad- I mean you’ve nominated him to become the main character if anything happens to you.

Lia: Well, I discussed it with the writers and they agreed that he was the best choice.

Robespierre: Fine- I didn’t really want BI with him anyway. You are all I need, Lia- I’m even ready to marry you and live a life of STRAIGHT.

Lia: I would like that.

Back in the present, d’Eon screams in pain.

D’Eon: Aagh, hideous STRAIGHT!

Elsewhere, Robin evades the royal guards.

Robin: Marie, Anna- if all the women in the series are killed, there can be no STRAIGHT!

Robespierre: STRAIGHT is a treacherous thing indeed- place your trust in it, and your partner is immediately killed. Come with me, and I will show you the wonders of BI.

Meanwhile, d’Eon is thrust into another Flashback Mode.

Robespierre: His Majesty has realised that you and I wish to abandon BI and embrace STRAIGHT together. He’s trying to prevent this by sending me to Russia, a land of rough HARD GAY.

Later, Lia is in church when Robespierre arrives.

Lia: I see you didn’t like the sound of Russian HARD GAY.

Robespierre: Well, I just happened to be in His Majesty’s bedchambers- quite by chance I assure you- when I stumbled upon this Book of HARD GAY. I can’t read it myself, so you must read it for me and tell me the secrets of HARD GAY.

Lia: Maximilien, we mustn’t! We promised to go STRAIGHT from now on!

Robespierre: Please, you must! Only by mastering HARD GAY can I hold my own in France!

Robespierre leaves the book with Lia, who opens it and is given a list of potential HARD GAY partners.

Lia: I must not let him see these techniques, or he will leave me forever.

Lia absorbs the teachings of the Book into herself, leaving its pages blank. She sends a letter to Robespierre telling him she cannot read the book, and that their STRAIGHT is over.

(Robespierre: HARD GAY, STRAIGHT…am I to lose it all?)

Back in the present, Robin follows Robespierre back to his room.

Robin: Why did you save me?

Robespierre: Why did you follow me? I think we both know that’s there an implicit attraction between us- and we both wish to act on those feelings.

D’Eon has his next Flashback Mode, in which Robespierre visits Lia at night.

Robespierre: Lia, I know you read the HARD GAY techniques in this Book! Why won’t you explain them to me?

Lia: This sort of HARD GAY is too dangerous to be attempted! No one should ever try it.

Robespierre: Don’t think that you will stop me from trying HARD GAY so easily. If need be, I will just experiment by myself.

When his Flashback Mode ends, d’Eon runs into the forest. He makes his way into town and visits the carriage driver from earlier episodes.

Driver: Are you back for more HARD GAY and HORSE?

D’Eon: That’s right, but please don’t mention HORSE so loud in public- I have a reputation to maintain.

Driver: Fair enough. So, you’re alone this time, eh? How are the others doing?

D’Eon: Well, one turned into a Gargoyle and died, another revealed himself to be evil and died, and the third one has disappeared, but overall, they’re fine.

Driver: Good to hear it.

After he gets into the carriage, d’Eon is thrown back into Flashback Mode. This time, Lia is summoned to see Louis and Broglie.

Louis: My important book of HARD GAY techniques has been stolen, and without it I cannot have a good night in the bedroom. Lia, you must retrieve it.

Broglie: I hear Robespierre has already hooked up with a Russian lover.

At the palace, Louis visits Broglie, who is in bed.

Louis: Broglie, I know I said I would sleep with you if we got the Book of HARD GAY back, but it seems that the pages with my favourite technique on them are missing.

Broglie: Don’t worry- my generic soldiers are searching for it even now.

Louis goes back to his room and looks through the Book.

Louis: Damn it, none of these other techniques excite me in the same way!

He rips out a page of the Book and throws it in the fire. As it burns, green splotches appear on his skin.

Louis: This must be HARD GAY’s punishment for having STRAIGHT and burning a page of the Book.

After getting dressed at home, d’Eon comes to the palace, where he hears that Anna has been killed.

(d’Eon: What is this? I never got to find out who Anna was!)

d’Eon visits Anna’s coffin, and opens it to look at her. He examines her body, even kissing her.

(d’Eon: Nope, doesn’t feel familiar at all. Anna, who were you?)

That night, d’Eon takes his Sword and goes to Broglie’s room.

Broglie: Sorry, boy, but I’m not interested in HARD GAY with you.

D’Eon: In that case, let us go to His Majesty.

Broglie leads d’Eon to Louis, who seems to be rotting.

Louis: You came back, but as you can see, you are a bit late for HARD GAY with me.

D’Eon: Lia Mode!

Lia: In that case, let’s just tie up loose ends and finish this series!

To be continued…

The year is 1742, and the body of Lia de Beaumont has just been found in a coffin floating down the Seine- and for her brother d’Eon, it signals the start of a journey. Possessed by Lia’s restless soul, he finds himself driven to find the cause of her death, and in so doing, he and his comrades find themselves travelling across Europe and uncovering conspiracies and agendas that permeate even the highest of authorities. Can d’Eon survive long enough to uncover the truth, or will he fall victim to mysterious powers possessed by the many forces seeking to advance their own agendas?

Every so often, a series will come along that produces an ‘obsession phase’- that is, a condition in which one becomes so enamoured of the title in question that its flaws, whilst apparent, pale against the general appeal it holds. Such was the case with Chevalier, a historical fantasy that took more than a few liberties with the events of eighteenth century France as it wove a tale of historical and fictional characters during a sort of compressed pre-Revolution era.

By all rights, the result should have been (and in many ways nearly is) a somewhat cheesy tale of swords, sorcery, clichéd characters, historical cameos and unnecessarily convoluted storylines that often went nowhere and made little sense. Indeed, many times Chevalier skirts perilously close to this realm, but some thread of inherent quality manages to keep it from going over the line every time. Perhaps it is the conviction with which the characters play their roles, investing passion and an air of gravity to the tale; perhaps it is just something as simple as the atmosphere set by the superbly produced OP- either way, instead of seeming laughable, Chevalier is transformed into a compelling and addictive tale that generally makes one want to gloss over its flaws rather than focus on them. The end result is so satisfying, in fact, that one almost wants more arcs- seeing France, Russia and England is far from enough when the likes of Austria and Prussia are just begging to be visited.

As mentioned above, Chevalier boasts an impressive cast of both fictional and historical characters, each of whom have well-defined personalities despite never really receiving much in the way of development. Aside from the unique combination of Lia and d’Eon, even characters who are given back story and the chance to grow over the course of the series generally only do so in the most predictable of ways. There are a handful with more complex motivations and agendas, such as the enigmatic Maximilien Robespierre, but unfortunately the actions of such characters often ultimately make little sense when analysed in depth over the course of the series.

Visually, Chevalier combines intricately drawn settings with somewhat low key but still technically adept character designs; unfortunately, however, the animation is not always up to par in every episode, with certain characters looking rather inconsistent as the series progresses (of course, this may be fixed in the DVD version). The OP and ED are powerful and memorable, but the rest of the background music is generally forgettable, although it does subconsciously add atmosphere to the series.

Final Thoughts
Whilst it is clearly a series that won’t appeal to everyone, those who fall under Chevalier’s spell will quickly find themselves addicted to this intriguing tale of “what just might have been happening alongside historical events”. If you have any interest in fantasy, drama and a dash of politics all presented in a historical setting, you must at least give it a chance.

Orleans: Teillagory! Who am I going to have HARD GAY with now?

Orleans runs away.

Teillagory: I did not want to die in throes of HARD GAY, but now that it has happened that way, it does not feel so bad. My son and my comrades are surely waiting to service me in Heaven.

Robin: TEILLAGORY!!!!!!!

D’Eon: Come on, let’s go. He will never give us HARD GAY again.

(d’Eon: Not that I need the old man now that I have BOOK.)

(Robin: I never knew that HARD GAY could be so dangerous. Maybe I was wrong to ever try it.)

Outside the room, Orleans finds himself surrounded by soldiers.

Orleans: Get away from here- I did not order Generic Sword!

Broglie approaches.

Broglie: You should not have spurned them so swiftly, Phillipe, for now you will never have HARD GAY again- not even with me. Look forward to spending the rest of your life in celibacy.

Orleans breaks down in tears.

At the Palace, Pompadour prepares to have SKULL with Belle, now revealed to be her daughter.

Pompadour: HARD GAY is everywhere, and my plans for STRAIGHT have been shattered- all I have left is SKULL.

Robespierre enters.

(Robespierre: Hmm, I’d like to try SKULL for myself.)

Robespierre: One Hit Kill!

Robespierre uses his magic to snap Pompadour’s neck. He retrieves the skull.

(Robespierre: This is strictly for research purposes.)

Outside, Saint-Germain confronts Marie.

Saint-Germain: Greetings, Marie, I have important plot information to impart. There is a way to remember Auguste from the H.O.M.O. club and spare him a life of HARD GAY. I know you must feel bitter that the king abandoned you for HARD GAY, and so surely you would not want him to follow the same path.

Marie: The king is worse of than I am, for he is now so hard up for partners that he must sleep with generics. I only wish that I had been successful in keeping him on the path of STRAIGHT.

Saint-Germain: Hmm, perhaps this cannot be settled with words after all. Commence Psalm Battle!

Both sides recite Psalms, but Marie gets the upper hand. As Saint-Germain is overpowered, Robespierre arrives.

Saint-Germain: Quick, Robespierre- kill the queen so that STRAIGHT will be weakened and HARD GAY will prosper!

Robespierre: Saint-Germain, you are not a worthy enough partner for me to save.

Between them, Robespierre and Marie strip Saint-Germain of his power.

Robespierre: Marie, the plot will soon have no further need of you- tread carefully.

Marie: His Majesty often came to this place for Hyper Self Pleasure- I never did find out why.

Robespierre: There are some embarrassing secrets that men never want women to discover.

Meanwhile, d’Eon and Robin hide out in a safe house.

Robin: Her Majesty said we should remain here for a while.

D’Eon: As the main character, I can’t just stay here whilst important plot events are happening!

D’Eon tries to get up, but he falls back down and drops the BOOK. Robin catches it.

Robin: I can hold the Book now- does that mean I am more HARD GAY than before? It must be because I killed Teillagory in the throes of passion.

D’Eon: Teillagory saved you, for if he had not taken your Gun, you would have had to bear the shame of having had HARD GAY with Orleans.

Robin: To be honest, I need time to think- I am not sure if HARD GAY is even the right future for me.

Lorenza and Giuseppe are in their room when a mark appears on Lorenza’s hand.

Giuseppe: Oh, it’s a text message from Saint-Germain. Let’s go.

They meet Saint-Germain inside a church crypt.

Saint-Germain: I’m feeling weak- hurry and bolster my strength with HARD GAY.

Lorenza: It seems the master has deemed you unfit for HARD GAY- try this BI instead.

Lorenza uses Psalm Power to give Saint-Germain deadly BI.

Saint-Germain: Aagh, the BI! It burns!

Saint-Germain is killed when the roof of the crypt caves in.

At the palace, Louis talks to Broglie.

Louis: Broglie, could you handle HARD GAY matters for me today? I wish to have one last STRAIGHT session with my wife.

Meanwhile, Robin has gone to see Marie.

Marie: Robin, I know you long to have STRAIGHT with me, but that must wait. In the future, you will be able to return to court, where I hope that you will help Auguste avoid turning HARD GAY and making the same mistakes his grandfather has.

That evening, the Dauphin asks Anna to stay behind when he goes to bed.

Dauphin: Anna, I’ve been told that I must avoid HARD GAY and stick to STRAIGHT- could you help me?

(Anna: I guess I might as well- it’s not like my fiancé d’Eon even seems to know who I am.)

That evening, Marie and Louis have dinner together.

Louis: It’s nice to have STRAIGHT once in a while.

Marie: This reminds me of the old days, when we were first married.

Louis: I almost wish I could go back to those days.

Marie gets the Book out.

Louis: Have you looked at the Book of HARD GAY?

Marie: Yes. I thought I might finally be able to understand HARD GAY if I did. Now I realise that its lure is impossible for a man such as you to resist.

Louis: Then you must drink this poisoned wine, so that the pain of waiting for me to turn STRAIGHT again can end.

Marie: Very well, but I must ask that you spare the two remaining main characters.

Marie drinks the wine.

Marie: My time in this series is over.

Marie dies. As Louis catches her body, Anna walks in on them.

Anna: I think I just saw something I shouldn’t have.

Louis: Ah, Anna, good timing- Marie has just awoken my appetite for a touch of STRAIGHT, but as you can see, I need a new partner.

Louis takes a sword down from the wall.

Louis: Ready for some Sword, Anna?

To be continued…

Introductions are so last week- let’s just get on with the article.

White Screens, Stills and 0kb episodes- the future of anime according to Bee Train
Tired of anime that has all that confusing and hard to keep up with content like dialogue, movement and action? Fear not, for Bee Train sympathises with you, and is doing their utmost to spearhead a new generation of animated series that will surely appeal to those looking for a more manageable experience! Here are some of their upcoming projects:

• Watching Black Paint Dry: An exciting 26 episode epic about paint drying! Will the paint be dry by the end of the series? Will it make any discernible difference to what we see onscreen? The only way to find out is to watch the whole thing!
• The Space Between the Panels: An epic tale that tries a creative new version of manga adaptation- instead of adapting the content of each manga panel, this series shows us what goes on in the white space between each manga panel! The series will be scored by Yuki Kajiura, with That Same Old OP You’ve Heard A Hundred Times Before performed by Ali Project.

Every Bee Train project will be available to acquire from its official website, in convenient 0kb files that download instantly, and do not take up any space on your hard drive! Don’t miss out!

How to be a female action character
A couple of weeks ago we learned what it takes to become a female mecha pilot, but what about female characters in action series? There’s no time like the present to investigate their role further.

• There are two classes for female characters to fall into in action series; either she must be a childhood friend who pines after the lead despite his blatant lack of romantic interest in her, or she is a bitchy ‘tough girl’ who is renowned for her strength but rarely wins on screen.
• The tough girl will always lose when fighting against named male characters, and indeed after the first episode her only on screen victories will be against generics or other women.
• Although she may have received many years more training than the lead, she will always be much weaker than him, his hot-headed best friend and his icy cool rival.
• Any decision that a female character makes will always be the incorrect one and so she will usually be overruled by the wiser main characters and told to stay at home and look after some defenceless generics. If she chooses to defy these orders and go out and fight, she will be kidnapped by a general of evil, forcing the heroes to go and rescue her.
• Any female allowed on the battlefield with any sort of regularity will usually be a healer or white mage type. At a stretch, she may be able to communicate with animals and allow them to protect her.
• If the female is a (twin) sister to one of the important male characters, it will always be the male who receives the Destined Plot Powers. The female’s job is to heal him and provide support- he can fight without her, but she only exists to back him up.

Nodame Cantabile 12

“It was just one ‘piano’, but when we reached a ‘crescendo’ I felt as if I was experiencing a whole orchestra!”

“Or to put it more plainly, that STRAIGHT was good.”

“Thank you for satisfying my needs.”

“I’m the main character- I can sleep with who I like!”

Heroic Age 4

“…with a healthy dose of BI.”

“It takes me a while to get the motor running these days, so just be patient.”

“If we did, these would become chaotic times, not unlike the Three Kingdoms.”

Random Thoughts: Dii

You’ve gained a certain notoriety for remaining largely silent during your early anime appearances? Was there any reason why you chose not to speak?

…

Sorry, just teasing you; what I actually want to say is that they didn’t hire a voice actor for me until later in the series in order to save on costs, so I obviously couldn’t say anything until then. I have to say that I wish they’d chosen a better VA for me, but again that was a budget decision.

Do you ever feel jealous that Hakuoro, who was clearly the less worthy of the two of you, got the better deal in terms of playability and screen time?

I can’t say I’m exactly pleased that the inferior half of Witsurnamitea got all the attention, but what did make me happy was that I was still able to build up a fanbase. Thanks to that, I was able to really shine in Utawarriors, and hopefully this is a good sign that I’ll have a solid following for future projects.

What exactly was the point of your actions anyway?

None whatsoever, really- the creators wanted a final boss, I auditioned for the role and got it. The way I see it, Dii probably wanted to create a HARD GAY world and felt a little frustrated at Hakuoro for turning STRAIGHT with all those beautiful women. Getting into make-up for Monster Dii was a real pain, though; they’ve actually sold my costume to Age in Heroic Age now, and I don’t envy him one bit for having to use it from the very first episode.

How do you feel about being made the chibi mascot of Tuesday Rumble?

Any publicity is good publicity, I always say- although the more I look at that image, the more I realise that I should have worn better clothes for Uta.

And finally, what are your plans for the future?

I’ll keep hosting Tuesday Rumble in chibi form, obviously, and hopefully those phone calls for the True Utawarerumono and Utawarerumono Empires will come through soon.

This Week in Anime

Pair of apples caught having secret affair.

Apple takes one small step into space.

“Apple, you and I have made one giant leap for our respective species.”

Argento Soma- were apples the main characters?

Anime Awards

Darkest Black Cat of the Week can only be Mao from Darker than Black, the series that taught us that there are colours darker than black.

Most Boring Episode of the Week goes to El Cazador de la Bruja, for any of the weeks in which it has aired so far.

Most Tangled Storyline of the Week goes to Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle, as the manga takes yet more twists and turns.

HARD YURI corner: Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha
When Nanoha became a magical girl, it was the first sign that HARD YURI was about to enter her life. First she found herself pitted against fellow magical girl Fate and her HARD YURI familiar Arf, but after Fate was released from being submissive to her mother, she was able to choose Nanoha as a lover.

Over the coming season, however, the pair realised that they needed new lovers, and so they made an effort to recruit new faces in the form of Hayate and her guardians. Whilst Signum showed clear attraction to Fate, Vita pursued Nanoha, whilst Hayate proved to be the glue that bound the HARD YURI team together.

Now, in the latest season, Fate, Nanoha and Hayate have become so strong that they must place a limiter on their HARD YURI in order to prevent themselves killing weaker partners. Now, with their jaded tastes forcing them to pursue new partners, they accept Subaru, Teana and other newcomers into their team. Will this new HARD YURI prove successful?

OST Spotlight: Chrono Trigger
Yasunori Mitsuda’s work on this may not be up to the level of his Chrono Cross OST, but this soundtrack is one of the worthier ones from the SNES era. Its 16-bit origins translate to a lot of synth and a heavily electronic feel but the majority of the soundtrack is solid enough, with a sprinkling of more memorable themes. The slower, more poignant and mystical tracks are probably the strongest, with the comical and military style themes coming off as weaker. Expect a fair amount of remix, however.

Notable tracks: Memories of Green, Wind Scene, Secret of the Forest, Battle, The Brink of Time, Time Circuits, Chrono and Marle ~Far Off Promise~, World Revolution, To Far Away Times

Mini-editorial: Growing out or Moving on?
It isn’t uncommon to get bored with a particular hobby or want to take a break from it (see my continual references to the gaming era), but when it comes to anime, let’s quibble over semantics- should it be said that someone has ‘grown out of it’ or that they just ‘moved on’? Although it ultimately doesn’t make any difference, saying that one has ‘grown out of it’ intimates that anime is ultimately a kiddy pursuit that everyone will eventually tire of as they mature, rather than simply being a hobby that some will keep up with and others will tire of. Admittedly, a lot of anime is aimed at a younger audience, but even so, is it fair to label it as a hobby for someone who hasn’t really grown up yet, and assume an air of superiority because one is now watching less anime? Is it just that people who still watch a lot of anime don’t want to feel bad about spending time on an effectively pointless pursuit?

Licensing Reactions

• Air (ADV): No one can know how much I have wanted Air on DVD, so I will be snapping this up when it arrives- although I may forego the movie, which I didn’t enjoy as much.

In Your Reflection

This week we look at the visually impaired CLAMP heroes that infamously caused Hopeless’ blog to be picked up by an optician blog aggregator. I may have missed some out through lack of memory, but I’m sure commenters will rectify that. Expect spoilers.

First up, Tsubasa’s Fye, who loses an eye to Syaoran-clone and then trades the sight in his other eye to get back to his home world.

Tokyo Babylon and X/1999’s Subaru loses the sight in one eye after Fuma takes it in order to fulfil his wish of being like Seishirou. He eventually replaces it with Seishirou’s eye.

Also from Tokyo Babylon and X/1999, Seishirou loses the sight in one eye after being stabbed whilst protecting Subaru from an attacker.

Syaoran-real loses one eye when it is given to Syaoran-clone, leaving them each of them blind in one eye (until the clone steals Fye’s eye).

Watanuki loses the sight in one eye to divert a spider’s curse from his beloved Doumeki, but afterwards Doumeki gives half the vision in that eye to him.

Fashion Police: Jo (Burst Angel)

The Fashion Police have finally knocked on the door of Burst Angel, and first to be arrested is Jo. Although she doesn’t look too bad in action and when wearing her red jacket (not picture), with it off, a distressing lack of fabric is revealed. The top is basically a brief triangle, whilst the shorts are all too brief. I guess her special abilities are the reason she doesn’t get cold.

Fashion sense: D

 Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: you toube sex, Busou Renkin hentai, ” hack perfect audition sea

shishi dog tattoo: Come to Azure Flame, tattoo heaven.

hard yaoi: I only mentioned this once, and now I get consistent searches for it.

she detonates explosives: Do I?

azure startup disc: You now need a special startup disc in order to load my blog.

Tokiko sex: Soon to be an old favourite.

detective school Q: Another series I have never mentioned.

The four men chase after Balsa and Chagum.

Balsa: Chagum, you must get off the battlefield- you’re only Level Zero, and the game will end if you get killed!

Chagum uses Flee, whilst Balsa switches to attack mode.

Balsa: Why haven’t you given the prince Blow Dart yet? Or is it that you would rather have Sword and Spear with me?

Balsa engages the four men, whilst Chagum watches from behind a tree.

Balsa: Chagum, you’re still on the battle map! I thought I told you to flee!

As she battles, the fastenings securing the head of Balsa’s spear are cut off, and the blade flies out of the shaft.

(Balsa: Is this the end of Spear for me? I’ll have to switch to Staff for now.)

Balsa uses Flee, whilst one of the men captures Chagum.

Man: Sorry, kid, but when you’re Level Zero, it’s your fate to get kidnapped.

He takes Chagum back to his comrades.

Man: That main character was impressive- I’d settle for a taste of her Spear any time.

Jin: Do not get distracted- group HARD GAY has always been our way, and we must not let a mere woman affect us now.

Back in town, Tohya and Saya discuss Balsa.

Tohya: It’s going to be hard if Balsa’s on her own with that level zero character. Let’s see if we can find Tanda and recruit him to the active party.

Saya: We’re NPCs, so this is all we can do.

Meanwhile, Jin prepares to take Chagum back to the palace.

Jin: Poor boy, is intense HARD GAY with his father really the only answer? Although I may have seemed one-dimensional and evil at first, I am really a sympathetic character, and I will even have a Flashback Mode to prove it.

Jin remembers a time when he was a boy and Chagum gave him some sweets.

Jin: I have admired him ever since that day- perhaps it is better that he dies through intense HARD GAY with me. Forgive me, Chagum, I wanted to be gentle with you, but this is the only way we can have HARD GAY!

Jin prepares to give Chagum Sword, but Balsa appears to stop him.

Balsa: If you want to satisfy your desires, then at least have BI with me!

Balsa defeats Jin.

(Balsa: Don’t worry, Chagum- I will make sure that you are kept safe from HARD GAY and remain on the path of BI.)

Balsa and Chagum continue through the forest, but eventually Balsa collapses.

Balsa: How embarrassing…my HP is low and my stamina bar has run out already. All I can do is prevent game over by making sure you are safe.

Chagum: What are you saying? You can’t die now- it’s only episode three!

Balsa: There is a way for me to survive, but it means I will have to leave you alone in the active party. Follow the onscreen map until you reach the hidden location Tanda’s House; only he has the healing items I need.

Chagum sets off, and soon reaches the rocks he must climb.

(Chagum: I miss the days when you could just press X and automatically climb up sheer rock faces. Oh well, here goes.)

Chagum reaches the top of the rocks, but cannot see where to go next.

(Chagum: Damn, this is too difficult- and who set the weather to ‘storm’ anyway?)

Fortunately, a convenient wolf shows him where to go next. He continues on his way, only to end up falling into a marsh and being rescued by Tanda.

Chagum: Are you Tanda?

Tanda: That’s me. It’s quite convenient that you found me, actually- I only just got back here from town in order to pick up some leaves. It’s as if the plot arranged for me to be in the right place at the right time.

Chagum: You have to help me! Balsa’s HP is low!

Meanwhile, Balsa lies in the forest whilst two men appear and have Spear with each other until one is defeated.

(Balsa: I wish I could have some Spear right now.)

As her stamina bar empties to zero, Tanda arrives.

To be continued…

Most sixteen year olds would choose to hang out with people their own age, but Nobue Itou is a little different. She would much rather spend time with fifth and sixth graders from elementary school- to be precise, her sister Chika, next door neighbour Miu, and friends Matsuri and Ana. Join this unlikely group as they while away the days amusing themselves with games, banter and all the other minor diversions that crop up in day-to-day life.

Easy as it is to dismiss Ichigo Mashimaro as a series for those who, like the lead, have an unhealthy interest in little girls, the anime showed us that you didn’t have to be a lolicon to enjoy it. A charming tale of the often amusing and ironic trivialities of everyday life, Ichigo Mashimaro may have made you feel a little guilty and afraid of arrest whilst watching it, but chances were that if you were a fan of slice of life series, you would enjoy it anyway. Would the manga have the same effect, or would it just be an even more blatant loli-fest?

As it turns out, the loli factor of the IM manga does indeed seem far higher than the anime- not due to anything adult, but simply because of such unnecessary inclusions as the girls flicking each others skirts up to see their panties. Such things could be forgiven if the content was up to the standard of the anime, but unfortunately, this is not really the case. It is only in the most recent volume that the mangaka really gets into his stride and manages to produce something comparable to the animated version, with earlier instalments feeling a lot rougher around the edges. Where the anime polished the stories and gave them impeccable delivery and timing, these earlier chapters often feel more meanderingly pointless than simple and charming, even though they largely cover the same content as the animated version.

At the heart of the series lies its five main characters, who, as individuals, can be summed up very easily as “the lolicon”, “the straight foil”, “the irritating one”, “the shy meganekko” and “the foreigner”. Since they are rather basic personalities on their own, it is only their interaction as a group which makes them worthy, as they play off each other and spark the events and conversations that drive the series forward. Unfortunately, the main impetus for the series also happens to be the most annoying one- namely Miu, who is the sort of heedless, hyperactive and insensitive child that most people would want to give a good slap. Although her presence is undoubtedly necessary to the series, her generally irritating nature does reduce the overall enjoyment of the series somewhat.

Since the first chapter of IM was produced over a year before subsequent instalments, the artwork, like the story, takes some time to find its feet. In the earliest chapters, Nobue and Miu bear little resemblance to their later forms, and it is generally quite difficult to tell characters apart at first. Fortunately, the artwork improves over time, whilst cover art and various bonus pages showing the girls in different costumes are always well drawn and visually appealing.

Final Thoughts
Since it is not really up to the standard of the animated version, I would hesitate to recommend the Ichigo Mashimaro manga as readily as the anime. If you’re a lolimoe fanatic or a huge fan of the franchise, then you’ll want to read this regardless of anything I say, but for everyone else, the anime is the way to go.

Balsa and Chagum run away from the burning place.

Balsa: Chagum, your new life begins here. It will be difficult, as you are only Level Zero at the moment, but stay in the back row at all times and I will protect you.

They continue on their way, but Chagum’s stamina bar soon drains.

Balsa: Here, climb on my back and you can have BI while we walk.

Chagum: I…er…I still don’t really know what BI is.

Balsa: You don’t? Commoner children are taught about it from an early age, since there isn’t much else in the way of entertainment. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about- it’s just a natural part of life. Now climb up and we’ll begin.

Chagum climbs up onto Balsa’s back, and they continue on their way. Meanwhile, Shuga, a man with long silver hair goes to see the Grand Patriarch, a man of who surely won his status through his impressive beard.

Shuga: Sir, as one of the OP characters, Prince Chagum must surely be important to us- and yet now he may well have perished!

Patriarch: Hmm, so you wish to discuss plot matters with my beard and I? Very well, I shall empty the room of generics.

At his command, all the generics in the room put cloths over their faces.

Patriarch: There, now we are alone and can speak freely.

(Shuga: Senile old fool- all they did was hide their faces. Oh well.)

Shuga: Sir, foolish as this will probably be, I must hope that my good looks will protect me as I confront you about my fears that the Emperor ordered the death of the Prince after you spoke to him.

Patriarch: The boy had no HARD GAY inclinations! Such a thing cannot be allowed in the royal family. Anyway, what I did, I did for the sake of the plot- and surely you must realise that as an OP character with Destined Powers, Chagum cannot be dead at such an early stage of the series.

Shuga: Ah, that does make sense.

Patriarch: Shuga, you have serviced me well in our HARD GAY encounters over the years, and so I must warn you- tread carefully before you choose to get too involved in the plot. There are dark forces in this world, such as BI- and even STRAIGHT.

Shuga: I am too good looking and deserving of screen time to turn away now.

(Patriarch: Hmm, it looks like I must work with him if I am to get screen time.)

Patriarch: Very well, then- come with me for an exposition scene.

The Patriarch walks across the room and starts having BOOK.

Patriarch: It seems that Prince Chagum has been possessed by a water demon, and thus the only way to defeat him is for the Emperor to equip Sword of Seishin and destroy him with intense HARD GAY.

Shuga: That’s hideous! No father should use HARD GAY to kill his own child.

The next day, Balsa and Chagum reach the home of an ally, Tohya.

Balsa: Since you are NPCs, please let us use this house freely. Tohya, could you take this money and nip down to the item shop to fill up my inventory? I need Oil Sheets x10, Bearskin x1, Dried Meat and Rice Paste, Clothes and HORSE.

Tohya: You like HORSE?

Balsa: What traveller doesn’t? Be sure to get me one right away.

Tohya goes out to fulfil her request.

Balsa: Chagum, do you hurt after the BI? Here, put this lotion on to ease the pain- I trust you can do that yourself.

Chagum: I’m not completely helpless, you know.

Balsa: Okay, okay- now get some rest. We have many episodes of strife ahead of us.

Whilst Chagum sleeps, Balsa tries to fix her spear.

Balsa: I should have gone to get Spear as soon as the series began- now who knows when I’ll get the chance?

The sleeping Chagum starts glowing blue.

(Balsa: Is this a HARD GAY aura?)

Balsa wakes Chagum up.

Chagum: Did it happen again? Every so often, I get these strange urges.

Tohya and his friend return.

Tohya: Sorry, I got everything except the HORSE- and I ran into a weird guy in town.

(Balsa: First no Spear and now this?)

Balsa: All right, we’ll go without HORSE for now. It’s getting towards the end of the episode anyway, so we should move out. You’d better leave your house too- it may sound unfair, but it’s better than endangering the main character.

Balsa and Chagum continue on their way.

(Balsa: Damn, I could really use some HORSE right now.)

Balsa looks back and sees four men waiting to come after them.

Balsa: Chagum, enter Flee Mode now!

Men: Hat Throw!

The four men toss their hats in the air and chase after Balsa and Chagum.

To be continued…

Day 16
Elli continues to steadily fall for the old Anton charm, for after today’s gifts she had reached yellow heart level with me- I almost wish I could take her as my second wife (it pains my heart to know the doctor will almost certainly steal her away). Aside from this development, the day proceeded much as normal, although I was able to cook up some greens with the newly harvested spinach- I would have given it to Popuri, but I was unsure as to whether she would like a salad dish.

Day 17
After tending to the animals this morning, I went back indoors to cook some scrambled eggs for Popuri- as the daughter of a poultry farmer, I can always be sure that she will love the egg-based dishes I make. Afterwards, I headed into town to charm the girls once again; hopefully I can get Elli up to red heart status before winter’s end, and then devote spring to visiting Mary.

Day 18
The villagers are so pathetic- at the first hint of snow they bundle up and do not dare to go out, even as I trudge around trying to get everything done. Despite this, I was able to catch Elli on her way home (from where? Did she spend the night with the Doctor?) and hand over some flowers, as well as chat to Mary and Ann.

Back at the farm, the long awaited first crop of Pumpkins was finally ready, and so I shipped it and planted a fresh plot of Pineapples. I think I must create a more efficient layout in the hothouse if I am to get the most out of my Pineapples, however.

Day 19
The second crop of Pumpkins was ready today, so I took them indoors to store in the fridge (aren’t pumpkins meant to be orange? Why are mine an unattractive dark green?) before planting pineapples in their place. Afterwards, I tended to the animals before heading down to town to charm the girls. Since I have run out of Blue Magic Red Flowers to give to Elli, I have switched to Moondrop Flowers, which met with such a good reception that her heart status was upgraded to orange. She is now truly head over heels in love with me, and all because I gave her flowers every day. How simple these villagers must be to be so influenced by useless flowers.

Day 20
The pineapples are beginning to sprout in the hothouse, and so more profits beckon on the horizon, although I have little use for all this money I continue to accumulate- for where are the shops to spend it in (the few places of commerce in Mineral Town can hardly be counted)? Anyway, after seeing to the animals this morning, I cooked up a rice omelette for Popuri before heading into town to chat to all the other girls. Elli’s affections for me remain strong, but I am beginning to worry about the fact that she spends all day with doctor- could he still usurp me in her affections?

Day 21
What a fool I have been! All this time I thought one had to take food out of the fridge and put in one’s rucksack in order to cook with it, but such a step is unnecessary! Why didn’t I realise this earlier?

Anyway, today I tried my hand at Fried Rice, and made a rather delicious dish, if I do say so myself. With my cooking instincts fired up once more, I made sure to pop into the supermarket after flirting with the girls and pick up some more oil and rice balls. Buying food in bulk at the supermarket is nigh impossible, since one must go through the same discussion with Jeff every time one wants to buy a single item!

In other news, I bumped into the mayor today and he asked me if I had gotten used to farming yet. Surely the 700,000G I have made over the last two years renders such questions unnecessary? And yet what if the villagers are becoming bitter and resentful because of my immense wealth? I must blind them with pointless gifts.

Day 22
The barn has been largely manageable for a while, but today going in to feed the animals was nothing short of a nightmare! The cows were all milling around the entrance, making it nigh impossible to get inside and milk them all, and once they were done, the sheep had spread out and made themselves impossible to access!

Nonetheless, when the animals were finally dealt with, I nipped inside to cook up some grilled fish before heading down to town to charm the girls once more. Elli must move to red heart status soon, for my stocks of flowers are draining fast.

Day 23
The barn animals seemed better behaved today, but the continuing snow only brings to light another issue- the rotting of lumber. The fact that I continually have to replace rotted stumps is something of an annoyance, although arguably it is my fault for wanting a fence in the first place, whilst the discovery that my hammer will smash even perfectly good lumber is slightly depressing.

After the farm tasks were complete, I had a go at making sashimi in the kitchen, before going one step further and turning it into sushi. Then it was off to town to charm the girls once more, and to my delight Elli reached the fabled red heart level. Unfortunately, this means she has started talking about marriage- does she expect me to leave Popuri and Tony for her? What have I done?

In any event, I decided to allay the doctor’s suspicions by pretending I had just come in for a check up, only for him to report that I was in such good condition he didn’t even think I could be working on the farm! Let him come over one day and see just how much work I have to do here.

Day 24
Since today is the Star Night festival, not only were all the shops and places of interest closed, but Popuri wanted me to have dinner with her to celebrate, meaning that I couldn’t go to bed before midday as I have been doing all winter. Instead, once the farm tasks were done, I was forced to occupy myself outdoors until 6pm, riding my horse, chopping lumber and just dozing in the snow when I couldn’t be bothered to do anything else.

After what seemed like an eternity, I was finally allowed in the house to eat dinner with Popuri and Tony, before the two of us left the baby inside and nipped up Mother’s Hill to look at the stars. It would have been quite romantic, if only Popuri had not said the exact same things that she did last year.

Day 25
With Elli at red heart level, today saw Mary take centre stage in Operation Secret Affair. A keen scientist, Mary has a love for botanical items such as mushrooms and grasses, and so the items I carefully foraged during the year will be perfect for winning her heart. After a gift of Poisonous Mushrooms today, her heart level remained at purple, but it no longer seems a puny small purple heart- instead it is a pulsating purple heart of hope and potential.

Of course, I also made sure to chat to Elli on her way to her grandmother’s house this morning, for I do not want her to suddenly feel neglected. Truly, only a man of my skill could successfully juggle so many women.

Day 26
Whilst in the hothouse today, I realised that I had not planted my Pineapples efficiently enough, which means I will have to rethink their planting and possibly buy more seeds from Won- although this is a task that can wait until spring. In the meantime, I shall continue with the usual tasks and early bedtimes.

Today I tried my hand at the complex Chirashi Sushi, a dish made from scrambled eggs, sashimi and rice. I was rather worried that such a recipe would be beyond me and I would end up with another Food Fiasco, but happily I was able to pull it off. Maybe I should enter it in the cooking festival this spring.

Day 27
Having run out of Poisonous Mushrooms, today I switched to Green Grass to give to Mary; I was slightly worried that she wouldn’t be as interested in it, but it turned out to be just the thing needed to upgrade her heart level to blue. She now seems interested in learning about farming from me, which is just the excuse I need to visit her every day.

Back home, I tried to cook up some tempura noodles, but sadly I ran out of flour after making the tempura. I will have to go down to the supermarket tomorrow to pick some up.

Day 28
The cows seemed oddly devoid of milk today- could it be that I inadvertently forgot to feed them yesterday? These lapses are most worrying, since they may mean that senility is setting in. Then again, this is truly a strange world, for now that I think about it, my produce is often comparable in size to the animal it comes from, which surely should be a physical impossibility? How can a yarn ball, for example, be larger than the sheep that was originally shorn?

In other news, I bought some flour from the supermarket today, although I accidentally threw one packet of it on the floor whilst trying to get it in my rucksack. Nonetheless, I successfully took four packets home and was finally able to cook up the long awaited tempura noodles.

Day 29
The cows are producing milk again, although many of them have lost a heart of love for me- why are the affections of animals so fickle? As always, after finishing up the usual tasks I went into town to work on Operation Secret Affair; Elli is continuing to discuss marriage, which worries me- what if she confronts Popuri and they end up fighting over me? Ah well, I will have to hope for the best- Popuri is still on red heart for me, after all, so she cannot know about my secret affairs.

I also cooked my first successful batch of cookies today, erasing the stain of the food fiasco I created last time and ensuring that I am prepared for spring thanksgiving. Unfortunately, chocolate is so rare that I will never be able to make chocolate cookies.

Day 30
My second year on the farm is about to draw to a close, and it has been a long and difficult ride. After completing the usual tasks and dropping in on some of the girls, I went up Mother’s Hill as I did last year and napped in the freezing cold snow until it was time for the Year End festival. Only then did I go to the top of the hill to see the New Year in with the same old crowd- Popuri was absent, but perhaps she was looking after Tony. In the new year, I must grow more crops, cook more recipes and get all the girls up to red heart level.

“Now stop trying to steal other women’s girlfriends!”

(“I was wrong to try to build a relationship with another woman- Sachiko is all I need.”)

“I’m sure you’ve realised by now that that girl isn’t right for you.”

“I, on the other hand, am all the woman you’ll ever need.”

“It may seem that I am only using you for sex, but there is more to it than that.”

“You and I are destined HARD YURI partners.”

“So don’t ever think that you can escape me.”

“Even faking your death would not be enough.”

“Even if you were to change your identity, I would find you and bring you back to my side.”

The fated day has arrived, and so it is time to venture into a world of men.

It certainly looks like a terrifying place.

Yoshino has been away from men so long that she has trouble identifying them.

Meanwhile, the presence of so much testosterone gives Shimako a headache.

“It’s not pleasant, but you learn to adapt.”

“Go Generic Sentai! And Strange Ball!”

“I’ve told everyone that the punishment for trying to have STRAIGHT with you will be harsh.”

“To be honest, anyone who did have STRAIGHT would probably be too embarrassed to come back to school afterwards.”

In an odd turn of events, Yumi ends up having PANDA.

“Why did he choose me for PANDA?”

“If you don’t want PANDA, let me have it instead.”

“No way! What Panda and I share is something special.”

“Right, next it’s time for cross-dressing.”

“Looking good, Noriko.”

“…and maybe some make-up, then we could have a really kinky cosplay session.”

“Well, we’ll have to make do with dressing you up as your brother.”

Now this is plot development.

The Mystery of the Cardboard Box, coming soon to a cinema near you.

The men crowd around for their first good look at women in ages.

The girls climb to the top of the steps, out of reach of the sex-starved young men.

“Yumi, I know I will be called on for BI in this situation, but I can manage.”

“After your efforts last episode, I’m actually quite interested in trying BI on this scale.”

“You should be able to have quite intense BI without breaking this chair.”

“I’ll stay with Onee-sama and help her with the BI.”

“I’m in trousers, so no one can easily take advantage of me.”

“Aren’t you scared of the sheer volume of men to be serviced?”

Is it me, or is this game rather bizarre?

Desperate for female contact, the men launch themselves upwards.

“I’m scared- they may be too rowdy for me to cope with!”

“You can manage it, Onee-sama, especially if I hold your hand.”

“Forward men, there are females at the top!”

I don’t even know what the point of this exercise is.

“Forward, men! This may be our only chance for STRAIGHT in a long time!”

“They’re happy to be getting their first STRAIGHT in a while.”

Not content with normal STRAIGHT, some of the men decide to try bondage.

“Yumi has been away from me for more than five minutes- it’s possible she has found a new lover.”

“Now obey my orders and go and look for her- I am a more important character than you are, after all.”

Conveniently, Yumi has dropped her lollipop, offering the sort of blatant clue you find in cheap detective novels.

“All right, boys, time for some bondage action!”

“Wait a second, this is a girl! We wanted HARD GAY bondage with Yuuki!”

“To cut a long story short, we honestly thought that taking him against his will was a good way to get recognition and status.”

“You weirdoes don’t deserve screen time! Take me back to Onee-sama now!”

“We can’t let her go now, it will mark us as lower than the average generic!”

“Nice backside.”

“I was just having HARD GAY with these guys to pass the time.”

“Anyway, the important thing is that Yumi is safe, although she has become one with Panda.”

A Twilight Onion is spotted in the crowd.

“Panda!”

“Onee-sama!”

“PANDA!”

“ONEE-SAMA!”

“PANDAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

“ONEE-SAMAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!”

Sachiko experiences her first PANDA.

“Onee-sama, I had too much PANDA and I actually turned into one!”

“I don’t know if you can still love what I have become.”

“Yumi, I already told you that no matter what form you take, you will always be my sex slave.”

And finally, the ED, a truly subtle piece of animation.

“…Pleasure is dangerous.”

“If I don’t find it, I can’t have HARD GAY!”

“HARD GAY, STRAIGHT or BI?”

“Next time, let’s go all the way.”

“Hurry up and give me Gun, damn it!”

“Soushi! Kazuki!” moment 2

“Initiating HARD GAY.”

“Don’t do anything that will hurt you.”

“Just lie back and let me finish the Pleasure.”

“What impressive HARD GAY!”

“My Zhuge Liang is attached to me- I couldn’t exactly leave it behind.”

“Their Liangs are now truly Zhuge.”

“I do not wish to discuss STRAIGHT.”

“I guess you won’t even consider BI as long as you have Kazuki, will you?”

Soushi invites Kazuki home for the first time.

“I can’t say much about the décor.”

“What more do we need?”

“I also have these pills to enhance the experience.”

“Sometimes I get flashbacks to particularly good HARD GAY at embarrassing moments.”

Isn’t the whole point of a final weapon that you only have one of them?

“I was impressed by your HARD GAY technique.”

“I’ve never known you to say no to an offer of HARD GAY, no matter who asked for it.”

“I just want BI, damn it!”

“Are you trying to tell me he’s just using you for HARD GAY?”

“I’m sorry, but it doesn’t feel appropriate to have a threesome here.”

“Well then, are we having HARD GAY today or not?”

“Of course we are.”

“That HARD GAY went on forever!”

“Humans do not have the stamina for excessive Pleasure.”

“I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve been so frustrated that I’ve had to resort to taking perverted photos with your camera.”

“Photos are all very well, but how would you like some real Liang?”

“…and marvel at how Zhuge it is.”

“She’s so intense in the bedroom.”

“I’ve been on the phone to New Wang in order to see if I can get some upgrades.”

“Once the upgrades are done, you should give it a test run with some Hyper Self Pleasure.”

“The prospect of group sessions is making everyone apprehensive.”

“If we don’t seem confident, the children will feel an added pressure to perform.”

“He’s definitely holding his own in the group sessions.”

“Well, what can you expect from such a Zhuge Liang?”

“I’ve been grabbed by a woman and I don’t know what to do!”

“Don’t expect me to touch a woman- even for your sake.”

“That BI was good!”

“My first HARD GAY was like that.”

“Soushi wore me out that much!”

“Hey Kazuki, fancy a group session tonight?”

“Your dad can join in too.”

“Liang to attention, I plunge forward into the unknown!”

Kazuki’s father attempts to flirt with his son, using one of the oldest lines in the book.

“I’m always ready for HARD GAY.”

“Am I hurting you?”

“…stop now, or go all the way?”

“If we wait, we can all have HARD YURI together.”

“Not really, these pots are just a front for HARD GAY.”

“Could I have one Liang, please?”

“All right, time for another group session.”

“If we want BI, we will have to take it!”

“No kinky stuff with the children, though.”

“Wooden Sword? Is that even popular these days?”

“We must introduce her to the ways of HARD YURI.”

“You’re right; she’s pretty attractive too- I can barely keep my hands off her.”

“Give in to HARD YURI!”

“I feel awkward thinking about women, and how they differ from men.”

There aren’t many series that can offer you stalkers, cross-dressing, PANDA, bondage and mass STRAIGHT all in one episode- but maybe that’s what fifty minute episodes are for.

Meet Kanako, Yumi’s newest admirer.

“So anyway, did you hear that Yumi has a new girlfriend?”

“You should watch out, Sachiko.”

“She definitely wants HARD YURI with Yumi.”

“It’s just a platonic relationship, I swear!”

“It’s too late- Sachiko is already jealous that there’s another woman in your life.”

“I am not jealous! I know that Yumi is my loyal sex slave, and that’s all that matters!”

“It’s clear that Kanako and Touko aren’t going to be friends- both want to get Yumi into bed, after all.”

“Anyway, Yumi, are you going to have your way with her or not?”

“You know, our group does need more variety, so either you or Yoshino should bring in a new partner soon.”

“Anyway, you second years can go now- we seniors need to have a private session.”

“You know, you really have to do something about the Kanako situation- it’s the only piece of gossip we have at the moment.”

“If you aren’t going to sleep with her, you should break it off.”

“On the other hand, you shouldn’t reject her until you’re sure you don’t want her.”

“Whatever happens, don’t let her force you into bed.”

“Hello, I’m here for more screen time!”

“You are so last episode, Alice- get away from my Yumi!”

“Hey, Touko, are you free for some HARD YURI?”

“I’m trying to enjoy some Hyper Self Pleasure, thank you very much.”

“I think you’ll find it does- I am the main character, after all.”

“And when the main character asks you for HARD YURI, you shouldn’t reject her!”

“If you must know, I’m jealous of Kanako, and so I’m punishing you for it!”

“Did someone mention my name?”

“If Touko won’t give you HARD YURI, I’m willing to give you whatever sort you want.”

“I suggest one of these three methods.”

“You can have whatever sort of HARD YURI you want with me, free of charge.”

“It mocks the system if you just give me HARD YURI for free!”

“Whatever the case, I hope you’re not shy about doing it in public.”

“Forget Kanako, just have HARD YURI with me instead.”

“In fact, let’s go and use our bodies to bribe other girls into joining us for a group session.”

“Hey, you look like you could use some HARD YURI.”

“Yes- HARD YURI.”

“And in return for having HARD YURI with us, you have to make sure Yumi’s love life doesn’t make it into the papers.”

“But her love life is the most interesting thing in our lives at the moment! Speaking of which, have you slept with Kanako yet?”

“Yeah, like that’s ever going to happen.”

“I already spoke to Kanako, and she says that it’s better to just worship Yumi from afar than actually jump into bed with her.”

“Sorry, Yumi, but even if you ask her for HARD YURI, she doesn’t want to go all the way with you.”

“Sachiko, there’s a chance we might have to have BI, so I’ll do it in your place!”

“Foolish Yumi, I would rather sleep with someone else myself than share you.”

“You are welcome to watch me if you wish, however.”

“Since you’re willing to do it, here is the list of lovers you must service.”

“I’m impressed, Yumi- I always thought you were the submissive one, but now I see who wears the trousers in your relationship.”

“I am most certainly not here for HARD YURI with you.”

“I hope you don’t mind, but I have been taking kinky photos of you to show everyone at the school festival.”

“Don’t get mad at me, though- I’m not the only one stalking you.”

“I’ve never had a stalker before.”

“Hello, I’m here to satisfy my fangirls.”

“I hate to tell you this, but you have a stalker.”

“I bet something kinky is going down, so I’d like to watch.”

“Damn you- get away from my Yumi! And give me a proper face shot already- it’s not like the audience hasn’t figured out who I am!”

“I know it’s hard for both of us, but we must pretend to be STRAIGHT in order to see how the stalker will react.”

“I happened to watch one of the Hanadera HARD GAY sessions and as payment they told me to do this.”

“No one likes it when a graduate comes back to butt in on a school HARD GAY session.”

“They asked me to do it, so obviously they wanted my expertise.”

“I know we’re pretending to be STRAIGHT, but don’t get so close!”

“Yumi, you must not visit the boys’ school, for it will be full of men!”

“They will try to have hideous STRAIGHT with you!”

“Men are much more dangerous than lesbian stalkers!”

“If you hate men so much, why do you follow them around?”

“Don’t you dare question my twisted logic!”

“You do know it’s wrong to follow people around, right? That’s why I had my brother trail you.”

“I can’t believe you would trust your own family over someone you barely know!”

Yumi, bright and perceptive as ever.

“Lower than even amoebas!”

“I hate to break this to you, but you must have male relatives.”

“Nonsense! I was created by HARD YURI!”

“I just can’t understand anyone who wouldn’t automatically detest 50% of the population despite barely knowing most of them.”

“Yumi, you must never debase yourself by breathing the same air as those pigs.”

“I know I’m HARD YURI now, but what if I want to try BI or STRAIGHT when I’m older?”

No you’re not, you’re an anime character.

“Are you trying to admit that you aren’t HARD YURI at all?”

“Even if that is the case, you must not give up women now!”

“There are still many more girls who want to sleep with you!”

“Get away from Yumi- she’s mine.”

“And how dare you insult her by inferring that she is not attracted to women?”

There still seems to be too much anime to keep on top of, with only dull and infrequently released OVAs thus far being worth the chop. Still, I must try to keep on top of it, for matters will only get worse if I get horribly behind.

Reviewed this week: Bokurano 2, Cazador 3, Chevalier 21, Claymore 4, Darker than Black 3, Heroic Age 4, Koutetsu Sangokushi 2-3, Nanoha StrikerS 3, MariMite OVA 3, Nodame 11-13, Romeo X Juliet 3, SaiMono II 3, Sakura Taisen NY 2, Emma II 1

…and in manga: Bokurano 41, Cazador 1, Meine Liebe omake, REC 29, SaiMono 6, Tennai 25, Tsubasa 151 (I successfully resisted the urge to download School Rumble)

Since I’m lazy when it comes to text parody, Seirei no Moribito 2-3 will appear next week.

ANIME

Bokurano 2: One problem with watching any anime adaptation of a well-loved manga is the inevitable impatience, you want it to get to the ‘good stuff’ now, but the ‘good stuff’ always seems to be the next arc. This is just a general comment, but it should be noted that it may affect my impressions of the Bokurano anime in the future.

Getting back to this episode, I’m still torn between wanting to enjoy it and being scared to be too optimistic, with this instalment offering evidence for both sides. The first half seems a little slow paced, and Dung Beetle’s voice isn’t what I imagined it would be (although I can and will adapt to his actual voice), but once the action kicks in and the children fight their first proper opponent, the lure of the original manga becomes evident- and this is only the least developed character’s turn at the robot. Hopefully pacing issues won’t mar my future enjoyment of the series.

El Cazador de la Bruja 3: Cazador continues onwards in its own spectacularly dull way in this episode, which sees Nadie and Ellis stop off at an abandoned house during a rainstorm, with bounty hunters and the mysterious L.A. on their tail all the while. Much like Roots, this series seems to be more about promising that something will happen in the future than ensuring that it happens in the present, and so my interest remains low.

Le Chevalier d’Eon 21: When Teillagory reveals his true allegiance and supervises the capture of d’Eon for Orleans, it is left to Robin to rescue him, but with almost everyone now following their own secret agenda, his task will be far from easy. Despite some inconsistencies in the goals of the various antagonists, this is a solid enough episode which delivers on the action whilst setting up various threads for the finale.

Claymore 4: After leaving Claire in critical condition, the Yoma decides to withdraw until later in the episode, allowing our lead to scan everyone in the cathedral in case the Yoma is within them (why wasn’t this done in the first place?). Naturally, the beast shows up later on and battle begins, resulting in an episode that felt more contrived than it was interesting- although next time Claire’s back story arc begins, which will hopefully see an upsurge in quality. I’m starting to think about parodying Claymore- feedback on this decision would be appreciated (as in “yeah, do it” or “don’t bother, it won’t be funny”).

Darker than Black 3: Darker than Black turns in another compelling instalment in this episode, which starts a new two-part story which sees Li encounter a girl and her estranged father. Of course, there is much more to it than that, and in short order we are drawn back into the world of Contractors, mysterious powers and darker than black talking cats. Apart from SaiMono, which resides in a class of its own, this must surely be the best entry of the season.

In DtB, as in life, cats are in charge.

Heroic Age 4: As Heroic Age continues on its own inoffensive way, I don’t really care much about wherever the story is going (although I am glad to see Age wearing actual clothes even if his shirt remains open), and so apart from the emergence of some potential generals of evil, there isn’t much to say about this episode. In the future, I may look back and wonder why I wasted my time with this, but as with last week it remains watchable for now.

Koutetsu Sangokushi 2-3: Our hero of destiny Lu Xun is back for two more episodes, starting with an instalment that somehow manages to combine the monotonously dull with the utterly ridiculous. If we’re not stuck in a tedious conversation scene about minor plot trivialities, then we’re watching Lu Xun somehow magically fly through the air setting fire to thousands of physically improbable arrows. Meanwhile, episode three follows plot conventions by having the named characters undergo a trial of strength against Taishi Ci before being allowed to join the Wu army, whilst the duty of forwarding the plot is left to Zhuge Liang. Many of my early hopes for the series have already been dashed, but thanks to its parody potential it must continue to be watched.

Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha StrikerS 3: Although it still can’t be said to be particularly worthy, the third episode of StrikerS is at least free of the complete and utter monotony that permeated its predecessor. This time around, we have a fairly standard instalment that sees the dull and pointless new characters begin their training whilst the more interesting returning personalities are sidelined yet again. The action is at least more like what I want from Nanoha, although the animation has taken an unwelcome downturn, and I’m annoyed that the characters I actually like are clearly never going to get the development they need.

Maria-sama ga Miteru OVA 3: Ah, another fifty minutes of blatant HARD YURI (it may have been implied in the TV series, but no longer) – who could resist? I have to say that whatever attracted me to the TV series is long gone by now, with this episode split between Yumi getting followed by an obsessive first year who thinks men are more dangerous than lesbian stalkers and a visit to the terrifyingly bizarre Hanadera Boys’ School culture festival. In fact, aside from some unintentionally hilarious moments such as Sachiko running towards Yumi in a panda suit, this is all about as subtle and enjoyable as getting hit with a sledgehammer.

Nodame Cantabile 11-13: Since I didn’t realise that episode 11 was out until the amusingly named “HARD GAY fansubs” released episodes 12-13, it’s been a Nodame triple bill this week, which perfectly illustrates both the strengths and weaknesses of the series. Starting with Chiaki’s performance in the school festival concerto and Stresemann’s subsequent departure, Nodame turns in a rollercoaster ride of both good and bad moments, much like the rest of the series so far. There are times when I’m utterly captivated by the flashes of brilliance in the character insights and development, but unfortunately there are also moments when an irritating supporting character or an over the top piece of attempted humour will just ruin the mood. I’m also oddly distracted by the CG hands seen when Nodame and Chiaki play the piano- there’s just something fundamentally wrong about them.

Romeo X Juliet 3: RxJ shows previously untapped parody potential this week, as Romeo tries to get some quiet HORSE above the city, only to be interrupted by everything from his father crushing grapes to Juliet appearing in various guises. The series still remains entertaining, but now more than ever it seems to be begging to be put on the parody backburner.

Saiunkoku Monogatari II 3: Whilst Shuurei awaits the arrival of governor Kai You (and getting exasperated with Ryuuren in the mean time), back in Sa Province, Eigetsu is having difficulties of his own- there’s a mysterious cult who counts Lin Senya amongst its members (probably the real one rather than Sakujun), a plague, and if Yougetsu is to be believed, Eigetsu’s own time is short. As always, SaiMono delivers an episode that proves to be absorbing even when I barely know what is going on, although this week I have wonder how someone with a wanderlust as strong as Ryuuren’s can ever be expected to be a stable clan leader. Hyou Riou’s actions must also be closely observed- could he even be responsible for the snow fox that seems to be spreading the plague?

*DROPPED* Sakura Taisen New York 2: Even with franchise completion nipping at my heels, I couldn’t make it past the halfway mark with this episode, which throws the light entertainment of ST out of the window in favour of throwaway harem style fun with hideously insipid characters. Let us never speak of this dire OVA again.

No, Gemini, men can’t get pregnant outside of parody and Star Trek Enterprise.

*NEW* Victorian Romance Emma Second Act 1: Finally, what all Emma fans have been waiting for is here- a continuation of this excellent series in anime form. At the end of season one, Kelly’s death saw Emma take the train back to her hometown in an attempt to leave William and their impossible romance behind forever; now, a month has passed and she has found employment as a maid for the Molders family. Oddly enough, although this season has up to five volumes of manga material to cover (the first season managed only two), it chooses to begin with a filler episode about the ladies’ maid of the house stealing items in order to keep her boyfriend interested in her- only to pin the blame on new girl Emma when she is in danger of being caught. Although it didn’t seem quite up to Emma’s usual incredibly high standards, this was still an enjoyable episode, and a solid start to the new season.

MANGA

Bokurano 41: The cameras are rolling on Zearth’s latest battle, but Anko finds it hard to put on a good show against this enemy- not only do they have the ability to fire acid filled darts, but the lasers just aren’t responding. When it proves to be all Anko can do just to defend against her opponent’s attacks, it seems as if Zearth’s hopes of winning this battle are slim indeed. As always, Bokurano delivers another gripping chapter that makes me want to have the rest of the series here with me right now.

*NEW* El Cazador 1: I don’t know how diligently I’ll follow this manga, but it must be said that only for a Bee Train series can static black and white images have more action and movement than the animated version. A compressed version of episode one, this chapter features all the blood, action and fanservice that the anime couldn’t show (Nadie even gets naked at one point), whilst taking significantly less than twenty-five minutes to get through.

Meine Liebe vol 2 extra: Concluding the second volume of Meine Liebe is this extra chapter which sees Orphe take Erika out for the day whilst the other bishies prepare a birthday surprise. Somehow, Erika fails to realise that it is for her own birthday, and assumes the surprise is for Orphe, and although it all works out in the end, I do have to question her intelligence after that. Also, since I selfishly want this manga to be finished, I must point out that Kagami need scans and a new translator in order to continue this project.

REC 29: Matsumaru has a new Nekoki picture book to show Aka, but when he gets caught short on the train and there’s no toilet paper available, he is forced to rip out the last page in order to use instead (I’m not joking here). Naturally, Aka finds the torn up picture book in the park the next day and starts reading it to a conveniently placed crying child, but what will she do when she gets to the ending? I guess you have to give the mangaka points for coming up with a storyline that you don’t see every day, but seriously, is this series ever going to swap the lowbrow and near-hentai moments for some actual story development?

Saiunkoku Monogatari 6: It feels somewhat odd to go back to the very first arc of the series at this stage, but even so, who cannot help but love SaiMono just as much the second time around? This chapter sees Seiran confront Sa Taiho whilst Ryuuki heads off to rescue Shuurei, with the only real complaint being that the artwork seems a little rushed in places.

Tenshi Nanka Janai 25: In the world of shoujo, what happens after you break up with your One True Love and try to go out with your Childhood Friend? Naturally, even though Childhood Friend is devoted to you and completely devoid of the troublesome secrets and emotional baggage that One True Love carries around, you just can’t develop feelings for him, and so it is that in this chapter, Midori breaks up with Ken shortly after developing a bad reputation at school for two-timing Akira. As before, it’s all standard stuff, but it’s still enjoyable in an easy on the brain fashion.

Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle 151: Thought Tsubasa was pointlessly convoluted enough already? Welcome to chapter 151, in which the group learns that Sakura went into the dream to find feathers in order to avoid collecting the ones in Fye’s home world Celes, and that Syaoran-clone will be joining her to assist in the search. Meanwhile, Fye decides to offer Yuuko the sight in his right eye in exchange for being sent back to the very world he spent 151 chapters running away from, effectively rendering him blind until his left eye is recovered. Poor Fye, he’s now a blind cursed vampire…can things get any worse for him?

Lu Xun’s Destined power runs out, and he crashes to the platform below, having violent WOOD in the process. He is taken away to rest with the other injured men in the aftermath of the battle.

Generic: We must find out just who could make arrows magically appear in the air like this!

Ling Tong sits by Lu Xun.

Ling Tong: Aniki, you can’t die yet! We haven’t properly consummated our relationship yet.

Taishi Ci comes over and starts having rough HARD GAY with Lu Xun.

Ling Tong: What the hell are you doing? He’s my boyfriend!

Taishi Ci: Boy, where did you get your Destined HARD GAY powers from? Did you steal them from my lover Sun Ce?

Lu Xun: I didn’t steal anything!

Taishi Ci: Tell me the truth, or this HARD GAY will be your last!

Sun Quan enters.

Sun Quan: That’s enough, Taishi Ci. If you paid any attention to the OP, you would know that this man is the main character. It is acceptable for him to have Destined powers.

Taishi Ci terminates the HARD GAY as Sun Quan goes over to Lu Xun.

(Lu Xun: Is this a man or a woman? Either way, I feel strangely attracted to them.)

Sun Quan: Your HARD GAY is most impressive, Lu Xun.

Lu Xun: I only wish my Sword was enough to save the world by servicing everyone’s desires.

In his room, Zhou Yu considers recent events as he stares at Sun Ce’s sword.

Zhou Yu: Sun Ce, your Sword was mighty, but could Lu Xun’s HARD GAY be even better than yours? Will it be betraying your memory if I try to find out first hand?

Zhou Yu enters Flashback Mode, remember how Sun Ce first gained the powers of Hyper Self Pleasure.

Zhou Yu: Sun Ce, could this glowing aura possibly mean you have obtained powers of Pleasure beyond those of any other man?

Sun Ce: Yes, I have, and my Sword feels great!

Zhou Yu: Let me feel it too!

Sun Ce: You must not! I do not need you for HARD GAY anymore, for from now on, Hyper Self Pleasure will be enough to satisfy me. The moment I touched my enhanced Sword, I knew that I had become too lusty and well endowed for any man to be able to endure my passions.

Zhou Yu: But…but I thought we were lovers!

Sun Ce: And that is precisely why I cannot let you have HARD GAY with me now, for I might kill you in the process.

Later, Zhou Yu talks to Lu Xun.

Zhou Yu: Lu Xun, if you wish to join the HARD GAY kingdom of Wu, you must first pass a trial to test your skills.

Lu Xun: Understood. As a main character, it shouldn’t pose too much of a problem to me.

Zhou Yu: Whilst we’re here, I’d like to know what sort of HARD GAY service you want to provide to Wu.

Lu Xun: Well actually, I want to reclaim the Lord’s Cube. It’s what my master told me to do.

Zhou Yu: And who is this master of yours?

Lu Xun: Zhuge Liang.

Zhou Yu: The most HARD GAY man of the age! I have high expectations of you in the bedroom, then.

Lu Xun: I shall endeavour to fulfil them.

Zhou Yu leaves the room, only to be accosted by Taishi Ci.

Taishi Ci: Is it true that you’re letting that kid enter the army? We don’t even know if he’s HARD GAY enough yet!

Zhou Yu: That is why I’m testing him beforehand. You can have a go with him too, and if you don’t find him worthy of your bed, he certainly won’t be worthy of mine.

That evening, Lu Xun meets Sun Quan in the garden.

Sun Quan: Please take these healing items, Medicinal Herbs. Each one heals 200HP.

Lu Xun: Thank you.

Sun Quan: I hope you pass the HARD GAY trial and enter the army, for then I can take you into the royal bedchamber.

Lu Xun: Sun Quan, I have a confession to make- I have already been in the bedchamber with your brother on the night he died. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.

Sun Quan: Oh, don’t worry about it- you are the main character, after all. Did he tell you how well you serviced him?

Lu Xun: He must have been pleased with it, for he said I was the ‘Chosen One’.

Sun Quan: Just as I suspected- I had you pegged as a gentle and understanding lover, quite unlike the rough man that my brother became.

Later, Lu Xun is telling Ling Tong that he is to take the HARD GAY trial when Ling Cao arrives.

Ling Cao: Son, our army is in sore need of more HARD GAY men, and so the trial is to be opened to all named characters.

Ling Tong: Great! I may look like a woman, but I’ll show them I have a Sword worthy of the army!

The next day, the prospective candidates gather for the trial, which involves taking Axe from Taishi Ci. Lu Meng approaches Lu Xun and Ling Tong.

Lu Meng: Hello, I’m a named character too, and for some reason I have to fight even though I only want to become a civil official. You must be Ling Tong. I expect your father has trained you in HARD GAY for this day.

Ling Tong: Hey, I’m not just a daddy’s boy! I have lovers of my own too, like Lu Xun here, and, er, too many others to mention!

Zhuge Jin approaches.

Zhuge: Hi, sexy boys! I don’t like the look of that crude Axe wielder up there, but perhaps one of you wouldn’t mind warming my bed tonight, eh?

Meanwhile, Taishi Ci defeats his first generic.

Taishi Ci: You are too generic to win against a named character! Go home and wait for the next crowd scene to appear in!

Zhou Yu: Okay, it’s time to get on to the main characters! Lu Meng, you’re up first!

A nervous Lu Meng equips Polearm and steps up to face Taishi Ci.

Taishi Ci: What’s this- another weakling? My Axe is getting bored!

Lu Meng: I may look timid, but don’t underestimate me in the bedroom!

Lu Meng gives Taishi Ci Polearm, followed by Twin Blade. Although he loses one blade, he is deemed HARD GAY enough to join.

Lu Meng: Please forgive my poor skills.

Taishi: Nonsense- you’re a strong one in the bedroom. Have more confidence in yourself.

Zhou Yu: Next up is Ling Tong!

Ling Tong: High speed HARD GAY! Boomerang!

Ling Tong scores a hit on Taishi Ci.

Ling Tong; How was that? I’m a master at SPEED GAY.

Zhou Yu: Okay, then speedily get off screen so we can get on with this. Zhuge Jin, you’re next!

Zhuge Jin: Hey, Lu Xun, you have a nice face. What say you and I go out for dinner some time.

(Lu Xun: He reminds me of Master Zhuge Liang- I wonder if his Sword is comparable.)

Taishi Ci: Hmm, you look capable.

Zhuge Jin: Please go easy on me- I’m not a big fan of Axe.

Taishi Ci: Whatever- just get on with it.

Zhuge Jin: Newtype HARD GAY- Claw and Web!

Zhuge Jin shoots long threads from his claws for long distance bondage. Taishi Ci tries to struggle, but Zhou Yu declares the battle ended.

Zhuge Jin: I’m not really a fan of the sort of rough HARD GAY you get on the front lines, so I hope you’ll give me a job servicing the Court.

Zhou Yu: And now, in true plot fashion, we have saved the main character for last. Step up, Lu Xun!

Taishi Ci: You should know right now that I hate you for being better looking than me! My Axe won’t go easy on you.

Lu Xun: Prepare to have a taste of my Sword!

Lu Xun tries to give Taishi Ci Sword, but Taishi Ci starts to have violent Axe with him.

Taishi Ci: Come on, give me some Destined HARD GAY the way Sun Ce used to!

(Lu Xun: He’s just too ugly- I can’t get a RAGING HARD-ON!)

Taishi Ci: You killed Sun Ce in order to be the main character, didn’t you? Sun Ce made me everything I am today- stupid, ugly and rough in the bedroom!

Lu Xun: It’s not like that! I was meant to be the main character right from the start!

Taishi Ci: Damn you! Hyper Axe!

Lu Xun: Blade Breaker!

Lu Xun’s destined Sword breaks Taishi Ci’s Axe. A piece of Axe flies towards Sun Quan.

Lu Xun: Inconsistent Plot Powers! Flame Shield! Teleport!

Lu Xun teleports in front of Sun Quan and blocks the Axe fragment.

Sun Quan: Taishi Ci, I think it is obvious that he has the destined powers of the main character. Even you must accept him into our inner circle now.

Elsewhere, Zhuge Liang is selling a new HARD GAY artefact, the Lord’s Sphere, to prospective buyers.

Zhuge Liang: Once you master its use, your HARD GAY will improve a hundredfold.

Back at the Ling house, Ling Tong talks to Lu Xun.

Ling Tong: What a surprise- as named OP characters, we both passed the trial. Oh, and your relationship score with Taishi Ci has increased enough for him to give you these healing items, Giant Rice Balls.

To be continued…

Italy’s Social Welfare Agency- on the surface, it is an organisation dedicated to helping disadvantaged children and giving them a new lease of life. Whilst this not strictly inaccurate, however, what few people know is that the girls taken in by the Agency are actually turned into cyborgs and given training and conditioning designed to turn them into deadly assassins. The girls seem happy enough with their new lives, but can anyone justify robbing them of their childhood and turning them into mere tools to be used and discarded? Or is this the only way the Italian government can hope to fight back against the terrorists who would go to any length to ensure their message is heard?

Most of us are familiar with the Gunslinger Girl anime, an absorbing tale that blended excellent production values with healthy doses of action, politics and characterisation. Even so, thirteen episodes of such a series could never be enough, and anyone who fell under its spell must surely have craved more. Luckily, by going back to the original manga, those needs can easily be satisfied.

Of course, it should be admitted from the outset that Gunslinger Girl is not perfect. The ‘government vs. terrorists’ political backdrop against which the series is set is hardly the most original of concepts, and the details of specific missions can even be quite dull at times. That being said, basic storyline is not the area in which the series is aiming to excel, for even the potentially thought-provoking moral issues behind turning children into weapons is little more than a side dish here. Instead, what gives the series its true strength is the level of characterisation, and it is that more than anything that makes Gunslinger Girl stand head and shoulders above the crowd.

At the core of the series are the cyborg girls and their handlers, and it is the range of relationships between the different pairs that makes it so absorbing. There is Rico, treated as nothing more than a tool by her handler Jean and given extreme amounts of conditioning to keep her obedient; Triela, who shares more of a brother-sister relationship with handler Hilshire; Angelica, whose handler Marco has lost interest in her ever since her memory began to deteriorate; Claes, who lost her handler and had all memory of him erased and Henrietta, who is given more of a free rein by her handler and is absolutely devoted to him. The different dynamics between the various pairs are entirely fascinating, and also raise many interesting questions along the way. These are girls who can be talking about teddy bears in one scene, and how many people they’ve killed in the next, but how much of what they think and feel are the genuine emotions of adolescent girls, and how much is simply due to the conditioning? Does it matter, as long as they believe that the emotions they are feeling are real?

Interesting as the main characters are, however, the manga also addresses one issue that the anime did not have time to cover- the development of more minor characters. From the supporting staff at the Agency to the various named antagonists, each is gradually given their turn in the spotlight; in fact, by volume five, it is possible to sympathise with the ‘bad guys’ so much that there are points when it seems only natural to support them in favour of the heroes.

Visually, the manga version of Gunslinger Girl may lack the polish and high production values of the anime, but nonetheless remains well drawn and with a commendable attention to detail with regards to locations, firearms and vehicles. The only real quibble is that action scenes can sometimes seem a little confusingly laid out.

Final Thoughts
An absorbing and addictive tale, Gunslinger Girl maintains a high standard over the course of its first five volumes, and certainly shows no sign of running out of steam any time soon. Whether you wanted more after watching the anime, or have never even touched the franchise before, this is one series to try sooner rather than later.

Orleans looks at the captive d’Eon.

Orleans: Hmm, I think I shall have Cane with him.

Teillagory: I was hoping you’d leave it to me…er, I mean, I didn’t think you’d go to the trouble of servicing him yourself.

Orleans: I want to see his face when I give him a taste of Cane.

Orleans administers harsh Cane to d’Eon.

Teillagory: Careful, sir, the rest of us want to have a go later.

Orleans: Hmm, I always hate having to share a lover.

Orleans’ party takes d’Eon outside just as Robin joins the crowd that has gathered round.

Teillagory: There should be one more around here somewhere- capture him and you can all have generic Pistol!

(Teillagory: Gwakaka, once they get Robin out of the way I will finally become the main character!)

(Robin: This could be my chance to become the main character! I’d better run.)

At the palace, Anna receives a letter from d’Eon.

(Anna: What’s this? He’s writing as if he doesn’t even know who I am!)

As he searches for d’Eon, Robin encounters a guard.

(Robin: As a main character, I should start refining my HARD GAY skills by having Pistol with this generic.)

Robin has rough Pistol with the guard, knocking him out when he cries out.

Robin: Ah, that feels good…sorry, but this is payback for all those times Durand and the others used me as their whipping boy.

Robin hides outside another window. Inside, d’Eon is seated in front of the Book of HARD GAY. Teillagory enters.

Teillagory: d’Eon, open the book of HARD GAY and teach me some of its techniques. If you do that, you may yet live.

D’Eon: Teillagory, why did you betray the side of good?

Teillagory: I have always serviced Orleans- both he and the previous king were favourite HARD GAY lovers of mine. I thought I would be content to just live with the memories of the time I spent with them, but when I looked up, the world had moved on. Versailles had forgotten the ways of true HARD GAY, and descended into hideous things like STRAIGHT and BI!

D’Eon: What are you saying? Louis XV himself is HARD GAY, and as knights we should be proud to service him!

Teillagory: I’m sorry, but the king is weak- he even takes generics to his bed these days.

Robespierre appears outside.

Robespierre: There is no need for HARD GAY and Swords any more. I have found newer and better methods of Pleasure.

Robin: How can you say that?

An intruder alarm is raised by the generic guards, and Robin runs away. The camera pans down to Robespierre’s crotch as Robin jumps over the balcony.

Robespierre: We will meet again- I know you want my body.

Robespierre climbs into the room where Teillagory and d’Eon are talking.

(Robespierre: The old man is not worthy of my attention, but maybe I can seduce d’Eon.)

Robespierre places Durand’s sword on the table.

Robespierre: So what’ll it be, d’Eon- Sword or BOOK?

D’Eon: How dare you come in here and try to seduce me? I am the main character, you know.

Robespierre: And a startlingly attractive one, at that. I finally understand why Durand gave his life for you- you are truly worthy of learning the HARD GAY techniques in the Book.

D’Eon: I will never sleep with you!

Robespierre: Ah, I wouldn’t be so sure of that. It is what Lia wants, and deep down, I suspect that you want it too.

Robespierre places his hand on top of d’Eon’s.

Robespierre: I will see you again, d’Eon…

Robespierre leaves, and Teillagory follows.

Teillagory: Have you no shame- trying to seduce a man as soon as you meet him?

Robespierre: Once I too was imprisoned by such foolish things as honour and propriety, but no longer- now I just take whatever men I want. In time, everyone will do the same, and the world will be a better place.

Lorenza approaches.

Lorenza: Maximilien, it’s time for my BI session.

Robespierre: Ah, of course- turn around.

Robespierre writes letters on the back of Lorenza’s neck. She passes out from the Pleasure and Giuseppe conveniently appears to catch her.

Robespierre: I’m heading out to advance the plot- you two stay here until the story needs some minor minions of evil.

Teillagory, Giuseppe and Lorenza report to Orleans.

Orleans: Are you saying Robespierre was here? How dare he leave without having HARD GAY with me?

Teillagory: I’m sorry, sir, but we are running out of episodes in which to wrap the story up. Besides, you’ll soon have the chance to cross Swords with Louis himself soon enough.

Orleans: Good point…and in the mean time, I always have you, Teillagory. Here, throw out that broken old antique and use this new Sword to